Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does Michael J. Fox have? That. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons.
S8Something, Something, Something, Dark Side
VVader (Stewie)
Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.
LLeia (Lois)
Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your RIGHT hand!
CChris (Luke)
It's ME, you fuckers!!!
[Peter finishes telling the story]
The end.
[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
[sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without a Paddle.
FUCK YOU, DAD! [storms off]
S8Partial Terms of Endearment
Peter, this is Naomi.
Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.
No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!
[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]
GGod
Don't mention it, Peter.
CChorus
[sing] God! He knows what turns you on!
GGod
[to the home audience] Have fun!
[at the end of the episode]
Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
[to the home audience] We had the abortion.
S9And Then There Were Fewer
[greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.
[to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.
Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.
Oh, my God, seriously.
I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.
[cut to his office where we find out that the Mayor-O-Matic 5000 consists of a tape recorder, a broom, and a paper plate with a face drawn on it]
MOMayor-O-Matic
Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.
If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms. You are all expected for dinner at 8 o'clock.
SStephanie
Oh, good! I'm starved!
Settle down, will you?
DSDiane Simmons
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois. But look on the bright side, you'll be a story on the 6 o'clock news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.
Diane, please, please don’t do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!
DSDiane Simmons
That's right, you won't. Goodbye, Lois.
[Diane is then sniped from behind and she falls off a cliff to her death, screaming.]
Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you.
[As Lois walks away, Stewie is revealed to be the shooter.]
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
S9Excellence in Broadcasting
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
You want to know what I think is happening here?
Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.
I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.
Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?
Overrated. Just a terrible movie.
Cocktail.
Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.
You make me sick, Brian.
[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]
Does this mean I'll never see you again?
RRush
Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.
S9Welcome Back, Carter
Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.
Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ewww!
No, no, this is my sister!
Ewww!
No, no, I'm impotent!
Ewww!
I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself!
Ewww!
I mean, she's a man!
'Ewww!'
[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]
E1Employee 1
We need more e's and w's down here now!
E2Employee 2
We're trying, we're running out of letters!
E3Employee 3
Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!
E2Employee 2
You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--
E3Employee 3
I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!
S9Halloween on Spooner Street
[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]
CConnie
[knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!
[she opens the door]
CConnie
You guys!
[she and her friends suddenly react to what they see]
CConnie
Oh... my... God!
[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in their underwear in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]
Chris?
Meg?
[both scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!
Tryin' to grab some boob!
FROM YOUR SISTER?!
I didn't know it was you!
Well, who did you think it was?!
Some bitch! Who cares?!
[coughs] OH, MY GOD! Oh! WE DID SO MUCH!
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!
MDMan dressed as Clinton
[in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!
PPThe Pink Panther
[sees Brian pink] Hey. How you doin'? First day bein' pink?
Yeah.
PPThe Pink Panther
Welcome to hell. [walks off as the final trumpets of his theme plays]
[Stewie and Brian are at Floyd Wetherton's house to trick or treat]
[rings the doorbell] Trick or treat!
[Floyd opens the door]
Well, the thing about Halloween is that t-the candy corn is not p-particularly unusually cause of the determinant factor of timeless tradition in is in contrast to the Turkey Day. [sets down a lamp] Gesundheit. [closes the door]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.