[Peter, Joe and Quagmire are all in a Japanese Zero with Quagmire flying it. Joe and Peter admire the view from above]
Whoa! Quahog looks beautiful from up here!
Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. [loses his smile] Feels like... something I was kinda meant to fly, y'know?
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor!
[Some naval vessels are shown]
Look at all those old naval vessels!
Yeah... look at them all... [suddenly, he starts taking the plane to fly downward]
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doin'?
I dunno, Peter. It feels like... something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins... [lowers the lever to take the plane down faster, scaring the crap out of Joe and Peter]
[scared] QUAGMIRE, WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?
[also scared] WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS!?
Shut up, round eye! [makes the plane do barrel rolls]
OH MY GOD, STOP, QUAGMIRE, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!
帝国空軍の誇りと名誉、俺の先祖のために俺は逝くぞ！万歳！！！ (I DO THIS FOR THE HONOR OF THE IMPERIAL AIR FORCE AND FOR MY HONORABLE ANCESTORS; BANZAI!)
[The Japanese Zero is near a naval vessel's plane landing pad, getting ready to crash it. Peter and Joe scream in horror.]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS IN MY COUNTRY!?
[Quagmire lifts the lever up and avoids hitting the ship. The trio continue their ride as they ride across the ocean. Peter and Joe are completely scared crapless out of what happened. They take deep breaths.]
PRANK'S ON YOU, (censored)! I'm not Japanese!
No! THAT WAS FOR MAKING ME HAVE SEX WITH JOE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!
[turns to Joe, surprised] You guys actually had sex?
Yeah, I kinda went rouge with that one.
Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly-disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?
Ah, I think that they're... they're gonna have, they're gonna be fighting D-Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be b-better than usually.
And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?
Well, uh, the match lasting about u-up until the particular inaccuracy, p-particular unusually t-that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.
Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round 6, the round that Deidre Jackson predicted she would kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd? Is she gonna make good on that promise?
A broken promise, i-is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to b-be yourself, or at least within the confines.
[Tom knods in agreement] Alright, well, let's see what's going on in the ring.
Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.
[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]
PPenguin
You wanna get a book published, don't you?
PPenguin
Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.
[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]
HHuffington
I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.
[applause]
You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?
[laughter]
HHuffington
What is your problem, Snoopy?
[laughter]
[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Who said anything about dying?
AAbby
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, angrily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Should've gone into politics, Bri.
Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
SSanta
Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
EElf
Uh, ye... He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving.
All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready.
Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?
Hey, who the hell are you?
What are you doing in my house?
Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!
No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!
He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.
[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]
DDrew
Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. The top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.
[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]
DDrew
Alright. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?
Oh, yeah, Drew! I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!
DDrew
[laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.
[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit screaming; the wheel crashes through the wall]
Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!
[he laughs uncontrollably]
Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen] Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions] Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen] Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption] Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions] Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"] Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions] Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm] Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films] OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
This man wants to testify!
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!
This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say, "Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart". But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
He doesn't even like Cher!
