[to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.
S8Peter-assment
S8Brian Griffin's House of Payne
Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.
[cut to Hitler with a publisher]
PPublisher
Well, we read it and we don't like it...
HHitler
[dejected] Oh.
PPublisher
We love it!
[both laugh]
HHitler
You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!
[The executives want to cast James Woods in Brian's pilot]
James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old
FEFemale Executive
I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?
What? But he is.
FEFemale Executive
...n't.
My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.
TTodd
It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.
JJames
You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.
S8April in Quahog
So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?
That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.
You having a tea party?
No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.
[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]
When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.
S8Brian & Stewie
[On a cellphone] Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...
Give me the damn phone!
Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. [whispered] I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. [Brian snatches a cellphone] Hey!
Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?!
A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. [Brian angrily slaps him on a face] Ow.
You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!
[begins tearing] That really hurt.
Go away! I can't even look at you!
You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!
Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.
All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?
All right.
Can you give me a caramel one?
No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.
I don't like strawberry yogurt.
Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.
Okay, I get it.
A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.
Shut up.
Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.
Shut up!
Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.
S8Quagmire's Dad
Dad... Are you gay?
DDan
What?
Are you gay, Dad?!
DDan
No, Glenn. Of course not.
Just tell me the truth!
DDan
I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Oh, come on. That's not helping.
DDan
Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.
You promise?
DDan
I promise.
All right. I believe you.
DDan
But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.
[stunned] Oh, come on. Just be gay.
[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]
What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?
I HAD SEX WITH HER!
WHAT!?
I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!
[screams] WHY?!
I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!
OH, MY GOD!
[both scream]
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!
He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!
S8The Splendid Source
[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]
What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?
I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.
You think they were following us?
Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.
Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.
Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.
RRallo
Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.
S8Something, Something, Something, Dark Side
A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.
What you may not know is that 20th Century Fox had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let George Lucas keep all the merchandising rights.
Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.