South Park quotes

You are all dumb-ass... fuckwads. [as Sheila furiously twitches while entering his room after breaking out of the pantry] Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch.

Sheila

[incredibly enraged] IKE!!! [Ike screams] YOU DARE LOCK ME IN THE PANTRY SO YOU CAN PLAY ON YOUR COMPUTER?! [runs for his computer, picks up the monitor, and smashes it to the floor]

Mommy!

Sheila

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

[screams as he runs out of his room and down the hallway into Gerald's study] Kyle!

Sheila

IKE!

Kyle

Shit! [gets off the computer]

Mommy got out!

Sheila

YOU! You helped make your brother this way!

Kyle

Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help the--

Sheila

[interrupting] SHUT UP! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer… FOREVER!

Sheila

Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me! [Laura looks at her and breaks down, crying; confused] What? What, what?!

[sobbing] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard! When you marry someone and you think you know them...

Sheila

[not understanding] I don't know what you're talking about.

Troll Trace. [points to a laptop on the table] It's up and running. It can tell you anybody's Internet . I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. The Web sites he's visited are just... disgusting!

Sheila

May I use this a moment?

Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see.

Sheila

There's nothing here. Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. Oh, Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me!

About what?

Sheila

I accused Ike of-- I can't really say. But this thing says he's clean! I gotta find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much!

It's not our kids we have to worry about. My husband was on three married-but-dating websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?

Sheila

No. I, I have to respect Gerald's privacy.

Sure, yeah, respect. Nice of you to give him that. Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name…just for a quick little look?

Kyle

And so, life goes on. The end of civilization didn't happen. A massive electric pulse completely erased the Internet. We've been given a second chance. A mulligan. Anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever. Maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again, and realize how careful our online lives have to be. Because we've all seen what happens when the Twitters, Facebooks, and trolls decide our reality. Now that we've been given this second chance, it's up to all of us to see what we do with it.

Oh, hi, Poopsie.

Cartman

Mom, Alexa left! She's not here!

Oh, yes, sweetie. We had to get rid of Alexa.

Cartman

What have you done with her?

Oh, it's okay, sweetie. We have Jim Bob now.

Cartman

What's a Jim Bob??

Doot-doot. Awaiting request.

He works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it?

[checks his watch] Doot doot, it is 3:27.

Ooh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town?

Doot-doot, traffic's fine. You'll get there in about nine minutes.

[to Cartman] Okay, you want some music, hun? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar.

Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar. 🎵 I remember syrup sandwiches and crime and allowances. Finesse a (doot) with some counterfeits... 🎵

Cartman

Jim Bob, [Jim Bob stops singing] Simon says "big frosty semen shake."

The hell you talkin' 'bout, boy?! [strums again] 🎵 My left hook just went viraaaaaal. Sit down, be humble 🎵

Cartman

NOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, my god! What is that?! What is that?!

It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.

Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!

I'm trying to make you feel better!

Well, maybe I don't want to feel better right now!

Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.

Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time! I need you to... [yells] I don't know!

Tweek, honey. All week, you've been freaking out and I've been the one forced to deal with it.

You haven't been dealing with it! You've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out!

Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. They would lose the support of China, and that would be -

There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!

Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.

Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.

Eric Cartman

They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?

It's not about problem solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers but just being there, supporting each other and talking through those feelings.

[screams] What?! Why would he say that?!

Tweek, calm down.

Tweek! What's going on?

What?! What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!

Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God! How does that make you feel?

I feel scared! I feel alone!

That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think!

It is! [jumps off the bed] It's terrible!

I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?

Like - Like I have no control over my life! Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.

Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped!

Yeah, like trapped but, like, completely unable to even move!

Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do?!

I don't know! It's-It's like maybe-maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.

That sounds so insurmountable, though. How would you even start?

I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [calms, turns to Craig and smiles] Thank you, Craig.

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

[while dragging Butters] You think you're just so smart, don't you?

Butters

No, sir.

Make me look a fool, will you? We'll just see about this! [he and his son enter Vladimir's office] Not so funny now, is it? Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!

Butters

Well, I was just, I just said how I'd use Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules and--

Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to (either) cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points to Vladimir] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!

Nyet, sir. (No, sir.)

No! You don't go around making things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg 'cause he deserves it. [walks to the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves the office, slamming the door behind him]

[on microphone] Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? Hello? Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey. Check.

Marcus

Yes. Yehehehehes.

[rather clearly appearing so strung out he can barely stand] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday....

What's wrong with him?

Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!

[tries to remember what he's supposed to play] Hold on. Shit. Okay, let's.... Let's do this! [slams a riff on his guitar] ♫ Never meant to cause you any sor-♫ [projectile vomits with enough force to spew out of the holes in his costume head, before he falls off the stage, dead, as Marcus can only scream in horror]

All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?

Marcus

I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! (crying)

Another drug overdose?

Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.

Prescription drugs, but with no prescription

You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?

Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.

Kyle

Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.

Stan

I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.

Eric

Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?

Stan

I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.

Eric

He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.

Stan

Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.

Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.

Stan

Cool. Do you have the Hummel?

This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.

Stan

'Kay, fine.

All right, peace.

Kyle

Dude, that's really weird.

Marcus

Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But too many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown, dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine, who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-Man, cut down in his prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox, dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society!

Eric

Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!

Stan

I don't know, all right?!

Kyle

You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?

Stan

It didn't occur to me as a possibility.

Eric

Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!

Stan

I had no idea what was going on!

Butters

[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]

Eric

Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!

Stan

No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.