South Park quotes

Stan

Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that semen on your back.

I just... can't do it anymore. I wanna go away! But there's nowhere on Earth that people aren't around to rip on me.

Kyle

Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.

Stan

We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!

You... really? Somewhere where I can just, live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh please, can you show me where?

Stan

We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.

[being sexually assaulted by a shark] No, not the shark again! NO, NOT THE SHARK AGAIN!

All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.

Cartman

[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.

Butters

Obama's fuckin' gay.

Cartman

He's fuckin' gay as hell.

Butters

Pisses me off.

Cartman

So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!

Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.

Kenny

Fuck you!

[Recurring line] Snooki want smush-smush!

Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!

Theresa! Calm. Down.

I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!

Get her, Sharon!!

What?

Sharon, just stay out of it!

Be, the bigger person, Sharon!

You people are crazy.

Who's crazy? Are you talking about my family?! (grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps; Sharon begins to scream) Is my family crazy?!

Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! (pulls Sharon back by the hair)

Sheila

[barges in, savagely] Let go of her, you piece of trash!

Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!

Sheila

All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!

Psycho bitch!

Sheila

(slaps Theresa's hand away) No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!

[to Sheila] You're, cabbage!

Sheila

I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.

Kyle

[enunciating] What am I, Mom?

Sheila

When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.

Kyle

[getting scared] What are you saying?!

Sheila

I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.

Kyle

[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!

Sheila

It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]

Kyle

I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!

Cartman

What the hell are you guys doing?

Stan

Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.

Cartman

[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!

Kyle

I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!

Cartman

Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?

Kyle

That's enough.

Cartman

Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!

Kyle

No way, dude! I'm NOT one of them, okay?! I'm not going to tell you my secret!

Alright Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!

Well I told you, it's uh just a Jersey thing.

What does that mean?!

You just don't understand. It's uh it's just, just a Jersey thing.

Stop playing stupid!

Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.

[to Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [to the Situation guy again] What are you people planning?!

It's just a Jersey thing, you know? Ya, you just gotta be from Jersey to get it.

[to the townspeople] This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be west Jersey! [the townspeople cheer, all ready for battle; waving a flag reading, "No Jersey"] FUCK NEW JERSEY!

[Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a REAL hoot for ya, Woodsy!

The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?

Larry The Cable Guy.

The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being, quote: "a dick".

Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?

Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

What happened at those meetings?

Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.

I don't find that hard to believe at all.

There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.

What... what is your power?

I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.