South Park quotes

Kyle

He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?

No cake for the impurity!

And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.

Paper plate bean shakers, of course!

And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.

You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!

How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan

This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman

Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle

Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.

Cartman

That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan

Christmas?

Cartman

...Christmastime is presents for me.

Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]

Cartman

Cool!

Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.

Cartman

[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.

[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.

Cartman

[rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.

[leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]

Cartman

Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Stan

[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!

Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.

I'm sorry, hon.

[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.

Stan

Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]

Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]

Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle

He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

God damn it, Mom!

Stan

OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.

Kyle

Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Kyle.

Kyle

[hops back] Aah!

Cartman

[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle

Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan

[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

Cartman

We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

Sheila

Dug her up? Why?

Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Yep.

Sheila

What?!

Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila

Oh, dear God!

Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila

[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.

Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila

Ooh!

Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Brace yourself.

It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--

Sheila

Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!

Do?

Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.

They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.

Huh?

"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.

No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.

You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.

But that makes them pirate ghosts.

No, it makes them ghost pirates.

Pirate ghosts!

Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.

Pirate ghosts.

All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan

How do we split up?

I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

OK!

Kyle

[joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?

Stan

Juuhachi desu ka?

Juuhachi da ne!

No, goddamn it, it's 18!

Stan

Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.

For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!

Cartman

Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.

What did he say?!

Stan

He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.

Sou desu nee!

Damn it, this is not Japan!

Cartman

Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]

Dare ga pu shita no.

ARRGGHHH!!!

Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]

Cartman

[whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]

Eric, your word is "chair".

Cartman

Uh...definition?

Something you sit on.

Cartman

Country of origin?

English.

Cartman

Could you please use it in a sentence?

Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!

Cartman

Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!

Kyle

You got my note?

Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?

Kyle

Can we sit down?

Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.

Kyle

Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?

I have looked at it.

Kyle

Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.

How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

Kyle

From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.

What else would one do?

Kyle

Love, for one thing.

And what is love?

Kyle

Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.

What means this kiss?

Kyle

When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.

Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.

Kyle

Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.

You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?

Kyle

I'm not completely sure.

Perhaps we should look it up.

Kyle

No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]

Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]

Kyle

Does that mean you'll go to the dance?

You bet your sweet ass I will.

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!