RARadio Announcer
How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
“Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery” · Season 3, Episode 10
In this episode: Eric Cartman (5), Stan Marsh (5), Kyle Broflovski (4), Sheila (1), Tour Guide (1), Mrs. Cartman (1), Blond (1)
Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.
That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Christmas?
...Christmastime is presents for me.
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
Cool!
SDr. Spookalot
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
SDr. Spookalot
[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
[rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
SDr. Spookalot
[leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!
CCartman
Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
I'm sorry, hon.
CCartman
[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
CCartman
Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
CCartman
God damn it, Mom!
OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
VVoice
Hi, Kyle.
[hops back] Aah!
[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.
We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"
Dug her up? Why?
BBrunet
Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Yep.
What?!
BBrunet
Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Oh, dear God!
BBrunet
Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.
Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Ooh!
BBrunet
Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Brace yourself.
BBrunet
It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!
BBrunet
Do?
Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
BBrunet
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.
JDJonathan Davis
Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
DDavid
They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
JDJonathan Davis
Huh?
DDavid
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
MMunky
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
FFieldy
You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
JDJonathan Davis
But that makes them pirate ghosts.
DDavid
No, it makes them ghost pirates.
MMunky
Pirate ghosts!
HHead
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
JDJonathan Davis
Pirate ghosts.
JDJonathan Davis
All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
How do we split up?
JDJonathan Davis
I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
AKAll of Korn
OK!
[joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.