This is great!
Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off theme music]
Yeah, that's better.
S3 E13Starvin' Marvin in Space
MMissionary
An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
No, never! It's perfect!
Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
CMChief-Marklar
We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
Isn't that totally confusing?
CMChief-Marklar
No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
MIA Marklar in the crowd
Yes?
CMChief-Marklar
See!
SOSign on seized spaceship
PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU
Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
CMChief-Marklar
[slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.
S3 E15Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
Dad? [Cartman stops]
Courtney Cox,
Dad.
I- huh? [stops singing]
We're singing about a dreidel.
[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
S3 E16Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus
RSRod Stewart
Poo pants.
What?
RSRod Stewart
Poo pants.
Poo pants?
RSRod Stewart
I pooped my pants.
Y-you pooped your pants?
RSRod Stewart
I pooped my pants.
Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
NNurse
Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
[taken aback] That's God?
Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
The Beginning and the End.
Well, yeah, but that?
GGod
What did you expect me to look like, my son?
[thinks for a moment] Well not like that!
S3 E17World Wide Recorder Concert
GSMr. Garrison Sr.
Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
P2Patron 2
Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
P1Patron 1
No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
PPatrons
[wondering] Woo, yeah.
P2Patron 2
Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
P1Patron 1
Yeah.
P2Patron 2
Oh, that's a tough one.
P3Patron 3
Hmm.
GSMr. Garrison Sr.
No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
PPatrons
No, no, no way. No.
P6Patron 6
But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
P7Patron 7
Yep.
P8Patron 8
Me, too.
P9Patron 9
Well, I think that goes without saying.
GSMr. Garrison Sr.
Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.
P8Patron 8
Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?
GSMr. Garrison Sr.
Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
The father doesn't have a gun?
GSMr. Garrison Sr.
No! Nobody's got a gun!
P3Patron 3
I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
P2Patron 2
He could have a knife, though.
P1Patron 1
Yeah.
P3Patron 3
Sure.
P1Patron 1
Yeah, a knife.
BBartender
If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.
RReporter
Some even crapped themselves to death while others ruined a pair of good pants!
S4 E1The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000
[weighing his options] Hmm. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.
Do not wake up 'til morning or I will kick you in the nuts. Ooh, in the nuts.
T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
Yes, Eric.
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well...there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow. And because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
You almost had me for a second there, Mom. Heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either. Heh heh. [She doesn't respond] ...M-Mom?
I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
No, honey. It's just--
How could--? How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face?
Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
Oh, hello, son.
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Oh my God! You did lie to me!
No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Peter Pan, too?
Kyle--
What about Moses and Abraham?
Well, they were probably real.
Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Probably not.
[Kyle begins sobbing]
Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! [leaves and sobs some more]
Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
No, man, that's just a TV show.
[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
How?
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
(Woohoo!)
The kid will never even know.
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
What if this is all just somebody's dream?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.