CChef
Hello there, children.
Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?
CChef
Good-bye.
Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.
“Red Hot Catholic Love” · Season 6, Episode 8
In this episode: Father Maxi (4), Stan Marsh (3), Kyle Broflovski (2), Randy Marsh (2), Sharon Marsh (2), Tweek (1)
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.
So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Stanley!
What? He did!
No, it doesn't work that way, son.
Yeah, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
[Randy curiously looks at his food]
PPriest
Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
CCardinal
Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
Well, for one, no sex with boys.
CCongregation
Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!
Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.
CCCongregation of Cardinals
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
GCGilgamek Cardinal
The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
GCGilgamek Cardinal
Forget about the Gelgameks?!
GCGilgamek Cardinals
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
PPrelates
Hail, Queen Spider!
Queen spider?
ICItalian Cardinal
O, Great Queen Spider, we seek your guidance.
QSQueen Spider
What do you ask of me?
BCBritish Cardinal
Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.
QSQueen Spider
The Vatican rules cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.
ICItalian Cardinal
Go on, Priest Maxi, see if you can convince her.
(furious) Alright, that does it! I have had ENOUGH! You people have COMPLETELY LOST TOUCH with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gilgameks and your Queen Spider and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!
BCBritish Cardinal
But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that--
TO HELL WITH THE HOLY DOCUMENT OF VATICAN LAW!
Father Maxi tears the Holy Document of Vatican Law in two. As he does this, the St. Peter's Basilica's roof starts to collapse on the panicked and horrified clergy. An exterior shot also shows the Basilica caving in and the obelisk toppling over.
St. Peter's Basilica has collapsed after Father Maxi tore the Holy Document of Vatican Law up.
ICItalian Cardinal
Gone...it's all gone.
BCBritish Cardinal
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.
No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.
Cut to a television set in the Marsh residence, where the family is watching. Maxi's speech is being broadcast live on television.
(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.
[cut to the Queen spider, then the Gilgameks]
People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!
[cut to the Tweak family watching this, as Richard Tweak is just finishing defecating out his mouth into a waste basket]
RTRichard Tweak
(distracted) What was that last bit?
[cut back to the Vatican]
Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.
[cut back to the Marsh residence]
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.
Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.
Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.
[A few seconds later, Randy defecates out of his mouth. Roll credits.]
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