It's MY fault. I broke the dam.
[long pause]
SMSharon Marsh
...Stanley...you?
MMan
No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.
WWoman
And I broke the dam.
[trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
No! I broke the fucking dam!
I literally broke the dam!
On a boat! That wasn't mine!
I kept it secret for two days!
The boat caught on fire and it exploded!
Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.
Stanley, just dye your goddamned eggs!
[gets up from his seat and leaves the dining table, storming upstairs to his room; frustrated] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get!
SSharon
Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
[slams his hands on the table, angrily having to have heard that, and rises up from his seat] You know so little. [leaves]
Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.
No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.
[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?
Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!
SSharon
[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?
Our darling Butters never came home last night!
We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.
[Next morning… Stan gets out of bed after his alarm clock goes off, but as he gets on his computer, he finds out he's not connected to the Internet]
[entering] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!
My Internet's not working, I gotta use yours. And give Daddy some private time, will ya?
My Internet's not working either.
[entering with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!
I have to get online with my darling, Amir, before school starts!
SSharon
[walking up] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
SSharon
[irritated by Randy recording with his camera] Randy, I swear to God, if you don't put that thing away!
Sharon, you're going to be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday.
SSharon
I mean it, Randy! That's enough!
[turning on the camera; frightfully] I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. Okay. This is Randy Marsh. I'm shooting this video of myself. 20 minutes ago, some huge creatures attacked our town. There's still chaos out the window. [pans the camera to the window where all the people are screaming and running] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, and there's Shelley. Wave to the camera, Shelley.
SSharon
Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do!
I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.
[Randy, Sharon, and Shelley are on the roof of Best Buy with the Stotches]
[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.
[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]
[A sound of buzzing is heard and starts increasing]
What is that? Chris, what is that?
Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.
SStephen (Chris)
[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!
SSharon
Those aren't guinea pigs!
SStephen (Chris)
Get off the roof!
[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!
[They reach the main floor and a news report is shown in the television aisle as they head to the entrance]
AAnchorman
And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!
[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!
T2Townsman #2
[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!
What do you think about the Guinea-saurus Rex, Shelley? Oh, that's good. There's Shelley with the Guinea-saurus Rex in the background. Give… give a little peace sign, Shelly. Oh, I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guinea-saurus Rex. Shelley?
SSharon
[finally having enough; furiously] RANDY! I HAVE HAD IT! YOU ARE PUTTING DOWN THAT GODDAMN CAMERA!
Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family, someday.
[Sharon angrily screams and smacks the camera out of Randy's hands]
(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)
Randy (wary): What was that?
SSharon
Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)
Randy (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?
Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)
Randy (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)
Randy (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!
Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
SSharon
Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queef can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)
Randy (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!!!
[at the South Park Hair Salon]
Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
CCaroline
Theresa! Calm. Down.
JJulia
I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
CCaroline
Get her, Sharon!!
JJacqueline
Sharon, just stay out of it!
CCaroline
Be, the bigger person, Sharon!
SSharon
You people are crazy.
CCaroline
Who's crazy? Are you talking about my family?! (grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps; Sharon begins to scream) Is my family crazy?!
Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! (pulls Sharon back by the hair)
[barges in, savagely] Let go of her, you piece of trash!
Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!
All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
(slaps Theresa's hand away) No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!
JJacqueline
[to Sheila] You're, cabbage!
SSharon
Randy, you've been watching that channel again, haven't you?!
SSharon
Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows, you stay up all night trying to copy what they made!
Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [puts on his coat] You think you'd be grateful, Sharon. I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up.
OOperator
Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period; to accept, say "creme fraiche".
Creme fraiche. [phone line connects]
AAmanda
Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?
Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?
AAmanda
I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?
AAmanda
Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.
AAmanda
Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
You gonna glaze that fucking pan?
AAmanda
Oh, I'm gonna glaze it. You wanna help me?
If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine, about a quarter cup, and then a wooden spoon and I'd glaze the fuck out of that pan.
AAmanda
I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.
[as he says this, we see Sharon pick up the phone; she begins listening in when she hears Randy on the other line] Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're glazing?
AAmanda
I was thinking about shallots actually.
Uh, yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor, fuck yeah!
SSharon
[having finally had enough] RANDY MARSH!
OOperator
Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired; to add more time, say "creme fraiche".
[The bowling alley, Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his friend are present]
City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]
FFriend
Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whooping like that.
JJanitor
I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.
City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chatting with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.
SNSteamy Nicks
[sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]
FFriend
Wait now, who's that lady?
JJanitor
That there's Steamy Nicks.
FFriend
You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"?
JJanitor
Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]
Yayaya! [more fart sounds]
SSharon
[enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!
JJanitor
I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?
FFriend
Them britches have had enough!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
