STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :[everyone is shocked]
STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
Go, Stanley! [Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades. [Later, in Stan's room; sternly] Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon glares at him] Uh, I mean ever- beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.
[as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!
That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]
AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[the doll's face melts off]
KSKyle and Stan
Whoa, awesome!
Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
JJenny
It flies around and it's endangered.
That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?
FFillmore
Can we do finger paints?
NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?
CChef
Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully] or even a complete pervert! [pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]
[offended] Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. [She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]
[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]
MPMale Pharmacist
Can I help you boys?
MPMale Pharmacist
Condoms...
MPMale Pharmacist
...How old are you boys?
MPMale Pharmacist
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
MPMale Pharmacist
I just don't think kids your age should--
FPFemale Pharmacist
Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
MPMale Pharmacist
But...they're children!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
MPMale Pharmacist
I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
MPMale Pharmacist
I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
FPFemale Pharmacist
No, you have to change them.
Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!
[the boys are reading the condom instructions]
Doesn't it give any other directions?
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]
Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
How come I got to go first?
Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?
Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.
It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]
Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!
I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.
Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.
[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]
[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
Ha! They're your diseases!
Yeah! You get out of town!
Here, talk to them, Butters.
[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?
Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
