[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]
LLobster
Hey, Chris...these [clacks its claws] on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha.
[to a passing waiter] Kill that one.
S12Baby Got Black
S12Meg Stinks!
[after Brian got sprayed by a skunk; He is trying to bath himself with cans of tomato juice.]
Hey, guys, I-I think the tomato juice is really working. Don't you?
No. You smell like my six-foot-tall German girlfriend.
GWGerman Woman
Christopher, are you ready to go to the Guttenschvartzen?
Hell, da! She can swim across the pool in two strokes.
[A German woman picks Chris up and leaves.]
Wh... I don't know what else to do.
[sternly] I do. [throws Brian out of the house] Until the smell wears off, you're staying outside!
Outside?! Lois, I'm an inside dog! I'm an inside dog!
I'm sorry, Brian, but you stink. [closes door while leaving]
S12He's Bla-ack!
Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Hi!
Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!
Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!
Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
This is good. This is constructive.
The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.
It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!
What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Anything else?
Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.
I...I don't have a DVD player.
RRallo
S'up, man?
Yeah, yeah, "s'up?" Keep walking, you Boondocks ripoff!
S12Chap Stewie
PCPeter and Chris
Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
What is that? What's happening?
PCPeter and Chris
[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.
Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.
What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?
Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.
Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!
[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]
Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Where?
[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay]
[gasp] No!
Peter, what's going on in...
[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!
[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!
Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]
Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!
[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]
[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!
[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]
I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.
[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]
Lois, what the fuck did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn!
WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.
That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids!
That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!
[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]
Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!
Well, maybe I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't respect me!
Well then, maybe I should just leave!
And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!
S13The Simpsons Guy
BBart
Eat my shorts!
"Eat my shorts". I love that. Is that a popular expression like "what the deuce"?
Probably more popular.
Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
MMarge
And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
Alright Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
[Cut to the two getting wasted after trying to "fill up" by drinking gasoline.]
I feel sick...
Keep drinking! I prepaid 40 bucks!
H-Homer Maybe we're doing this wrong.
[They see a woman using a gas pump to fuel a car. They realize.]
Oh crap.
[They begin to take off their pants. Cut to a Germany adult store named Video Erötich.]
Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Have you got Homer and Peter with the Chevron pump?)
[Clerk points to a shelf of porn videos which is revealed to be "Gassensexen" Starring Homer and Peter.]
[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]
That's pretty good, right?
No.
Huh?
It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff!
Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.
No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!
Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood!
MMoe
[takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath] Huh?!
[gasps] IT IS DUFF! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!
Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.
[gasps] Duff is an ICON!
Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years.
[Blue-Haired Lawyer appears]
BHBlue-Haired Lawyer
Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.
Ah-ha! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that, Griffin?!
D'oh!
CBComic Book Guy
Worst chicken fight ever.
S13The Book of Joe
Come on, Joe. You can't be afraid, What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? Then nobody would know about Africa.
Was someone wearing my new high heels?
You dick.
S13Baking Bad
Lois! Lois! Mommy!
Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.
I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.
Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."
Okay, I've had enough.
All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.
Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.
[Cutaway to the said guy throwing sand all over Stewie]
Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!
MMosquito
Hi, I'm the new nurse.
Get outta here. The blood's not for you.
MMosquito
Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.