Cleveland Brown quotes from Family Guy

Cleveland

I'd be happy to get you an interview. And as a white woman, you'd be the minority here. Unless you're an alcoholic.

Cleveland

You might have a g-g-g-g-disembodied spirit in your house!

Cleveland

You're right, Joe. We are all armed. I have it in case people try to make America great again.

Cleveland

Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. He was wearing the same outfit as always. Later, we would find out he had a fashion disease known as a chronic fatigue system. We would write more jokes about him but our dum-dum writers only know what he looks like.

Peter

Yep.

Joe

Yep.

Quagmire

Yep.

Cleveland

Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

Peter

Your wife's cheatin' on ya.

Cleveland

What?!

Peter

Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!".

Uh, Peter...

Peter

Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

[bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?

Bam!

Peter

So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?

Peter

All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.

Peter

Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!

Cleveland

Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Peter

I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!

What the hell?

Cleveland

Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!

Joe

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

Quagmire

Hey, what's that?

Peter

[stops] What?

Cleveland

You're eatin' somethin'!

Joe

You bastard! You have food?!

Peter

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Joe

Gimme that!

Joe

Peter! You've been eating my legs?!

Peter

Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Joe

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Peter

Look, look, Joe, I...!

Joe

YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!

Peter

Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.

Joe

Well, that was a great cruise.

Peter

Yeah. The buffet was great!

Cleveland

And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.

Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.

[to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!

Cleveland

There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?

Peter

Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.

Cleveland

Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.

Peter

Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!

Cleveland

Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!

Stewie

Did I miss my cue?

Peter

Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.

Chris

[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.

Lois

[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]

[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

Cleveland

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

Peter

Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]

Cleveland

[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.

Peter

It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

Cleveland

You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

Peter

[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?

Quagmire

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!

Joe

You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!

Peter

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe

No!

Quagmire

Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland

Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Peter

It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland

I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter

[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Peter

Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois

OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

Joe

[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Chris

[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg

We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!

Cleveland

[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Peter

Lois, can you come out here for a second?

Peter

Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?

Lois

Peter, what is that!?

Peter

Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

Lois

Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.

Peter

Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.

Lois

Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!

Peter

Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?

Quagmire

[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!

Cleveland

What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...

Stewie

Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

Cleveland

You're welcome.

Lois

Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!

Stewie

These are mine, you hear me? MINE!

Lois

Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Stewie

I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

What you want? What you want for Christmas?

Stewie

Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...

Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?

Fire truck!

What color?

Red!

Next!

[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!