TV show quotes
My teeth!
Oh! Oh, man! I'm real sorry about your mouth, Brian.
[injured because of Peter's greed] Damn it, Peter! What the hell were you thinking?! This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
No, Brian. The dumbest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to the said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.
You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
[sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
[enraged] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Furiously picks up a lamp and bashes Brian with it, breaking all his teeth and knocking him to the ground]
[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]
Oh.
Peter, what the hell?! You chose a turkey over me?! I almost died!
I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.
Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.
What lesson?
Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.
Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...
Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.
Heil Hooters!
Whoa!
Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".
I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.
Hey! We have fun.
Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, enter Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. [Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes four seconds later] I was raped by a bug.
[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]
Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.
What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?
How about I take the head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes?
Okay, you can have those.
You just gave away the store mister.
All right. See you later.
Where are you off to?
Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.
[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]
[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.
Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your ears off?
It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. [Collapses]
I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!
[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]
Oh no you don't!
[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]
Mom?
Crystal?
Hah! She's enjoyed many men.
Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
Jeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?
[Cutaway to Peter taking Meg to a "field trip" by walking her to a field, who has the Blindfold on.]
[takes off the Blindfold] Ok, here's a field. Goodbye forever! [Gets into the car and attempts to drive off without her only to end up driving RIGHT into the tree.] AAAHHH!!! MEG! I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! [Car explodes and bursts into flames.] MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH, GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO GOOD PEOPLE!?
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...
It's made of Skittles! Do you want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Now, what are the ingredients of a viral internet video?
Cats.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
