Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn.
S12Grimm Job
[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
LRLittle Red Riding Hood/Stewie
You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.
FLThe First Little Pig/Jaden
He kinda looks like Jason.
S12Brian's a Bad Father
Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?
[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!
Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.
[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter in the face]
Lois, why did you buy this?!
It was on sale.
All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.
Okay.
[after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."
You better hand me the gun, Peter.
I passed the test?
[sternly] No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
But just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...
Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!
Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!
Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!
Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!
I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!
[gets shot in the arm] Ah! Son of a bitch!
It's over. We're all friends again.
What the hell, Joe?!
I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!
Wait a second, then I get to shoot Joe! Alright, he shot me! If we're doing things fair here, then- [gets shot in the head and falls]
Alright, we're good.
S12Mom's the Word
[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]
AAngela
So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.
[under his breath] You do everything gross.
S123 Acts of God
C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway to Peter in the Griffins' living room with various other characters for potential upcoming cutaway gags] Okay, my Great-Uncle Wears-A-Ski-Hat-All-The-Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? [the Monkey Rabbi walks into the room] Here's your Torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.
DVDarth Vader
You gonna need me this week?
Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
GMGay Man
Over here.
No, no, no. The cartoony gay guys.
CGCartoony Gay Guy
Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.
Hey, Death. What are you doing here?
Actually, I'm...here for your show.
Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation!
S12Fresh Heir
[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
PSPeter's Twin
Close the door! The moonlight burns!
It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.
PSPeter's Twin
Christmas?
Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
PSPeter's Twin
Can I meet the family?
You've overstepped! No Christmas!
[about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, you know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
Let me show you something...
[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't here?
No, that was just in your mind!
Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.
S12Secondhand Spoke
[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]
That was a stroller, not a speedbump.
What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?
I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."
S12Herpe the Love Sore
[Peter receives a package that's addressed to Quagmire]
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".
Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.
Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?
Do not open that box!
Wow. I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.
[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]
You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that?
Peter, would you like a glass of-- [sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck] OH, MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!
S12The Most Interesting Man in the World
[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]
How were all your business trips?
Oh, exemplary, Chris.
I don't understand what either of those words means.
One of them was "Chris."
What's wrong with you, Peter?!
Lois, I'm sorry.
How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!
Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.
[Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!
[Hurt] You don't mean that...
[Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?
Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!
[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]
I'm not an idiot!
[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]
OEOne-eyed Man
Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.