Evelyn quotes from Two and a Half Men

Evelyn

This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie

No.

Evelyn

Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie

[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan

Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie

Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Evelyn

Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie

I can read, Mom.

Jake

Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie

We can never go back, Jake.

Alan

Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn

Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie

Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn

I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie

Um, Mom...?

Evelyn

Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi

I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Charlie

All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Berta

What are you gonna do?

Charlie

Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose

You don't mean...

Charlie

I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

Alan

God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn

Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan

Good one.

Evelyn

Charlie was a planned baby.

Alan

What was I?

Evelyn

Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.

Alan

Who buys condoms at a gas station?

Alan

What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn

I just had a little procedure.

Alan

What kind of procedure?

Charlie

They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.

Alan

What did they do, use the whole ass?

Evelyn

What do you do? I mean, besides my son.

Lydia

I'm in real estate.

Evelyn

How interesting, so am I.

Lydia

Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.

Evelyn

Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.

Evelyn

So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?

Charlie

Er...how long has it been, sweetie?

Lydia

Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?

Evelyn

The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!

Lydia

Did his father drink?

Charlie

What choice did he have?!

Evelyn

Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.

Charlie

Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.

Evelyn

Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.

Evelyn

Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake

What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Mom!

Evelyn

Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan

Yeah, but what about us?

Evelyn

As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.

Oh, Mom!

Evelyn

It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

Alan

Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.

Evelyn

So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?

Alan

No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.

Evelyn

Charlie, what about you?

Charlie

I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Teddy

Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.

Evelyn

That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Charlie

Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!

Evelyn

Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.

Charlie

No, it's either a cold or a flu

Evelyn

And this concerns me how?

Charlie

I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.

Evelyn

Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too

Charlie

That does sound bad.

Evelyn

Oh, it is.

[In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.

Charlie

What was that?

Evelyn

Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.

Evelyn

Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.

Charlie

It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?

Evelyn

You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Evelyn

And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.

Courtney

I'm sure you're not.

Evelyn

Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.