Evelyn quotes from Two and a Half Men

Evelyn

Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.

Charlie

She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Jake

[About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.

Evelyn

You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.

Alan

Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!

Evelyn

Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Alan

Where are you going?

Evelyn

Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie

Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn

Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]

Charlie

How will that be any different than this?

Alan

That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn

Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan

So?

Evelyn

So she had to see it coming!

Charlie

Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan

Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

Evelyn

And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."

Charlie

That's good. Open with a joke.

Evelyn

Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie

Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Evelyn

Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Charlie

Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Evelyn

Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Alan

Uh...

Evelyn

I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

Alan

You had other options?

Evelyn

Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

Charlie

And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Alan

Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?

Evelyn

It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Charlie

Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?

Evelyn

Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

Charlie

This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.

Evelyn

So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?

Charlie

OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!

Evelyn

What do we call it, darling?

Charlie

We don't call it anything!

Evelyn

Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".

Charlie

I may never have sex again.

Evelyn

Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?

Evelyn

Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.

Alan

I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!

Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.

Evelyn

Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Charlie

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn

Good God.

Jake

Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan

Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan

Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Charlie

I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Alan

He says no.

Berta

I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie

I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake

Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Rose

So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.

Evelyn

Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

Evelyn

Charlie, I need a favor.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.