Evelyn quotes from Two and a Half Men

Evelyn

We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.

Jake

But I'm still hungry.

Evelyn

Have some cheese!

Jake

Have we cut the cheese?

Evelyn

You son of a bitch.

Alan

So you weren't the one who was...

Evelyn

Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!

Courtney

Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!

Evelyn

With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Evelyn

We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie

Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Alan

Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.

Charlie

First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.

Evelyn

I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

Alan

How much are you paying him?

Evelyn

Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Alan

Playboy?

Evelyn

Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Charlie

Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

Jake

What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?

Evelyn

No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?

Jake

Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.

Evelyn

60/60, huh?

Jake

At least. It could be 70/40.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

Jake

Is that good?

Evelyn

For the Ivy League.

Charlie

I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.

Evelyn

Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?

Charlie

No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!

Evelyn

I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...

Evelyn

Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.

Charlie

Judith.

Evelyn

Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

Charlie

Do you want a better relationship with him?

Evelyn

Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Walden

Promise you won't tell Alan?

Evelyn

I gonna tell everybody.

Jenny

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

Walden

Up to show her.

Jenny

Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.

Walden

What just happened?

Evelyn

Charlie's back.