With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.
Charlie, I need a favor.
Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.
This event isn't televised, is it?
No.
Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Come on, just ignore her.
Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!
ACAwards ceremony emcee
And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.
Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.
[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]
Enough!
C'mon, it's catchy.
So is diphtheria.
How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
'Cause I don't.
In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.
Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.