You're going to hell, you know?
I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
You really wanna drag God into this?
Who gave me the penis, Alan?
Since when do you have a wet suit?
Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Why don't you start with that?
OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Remember her number?
I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
Charlie was a planned baby.
What was I?
Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Who buys condoms at a gas station?
[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
What happened to your mouth?
I just had a little procedure.
What kind of procedure?
They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
What did they do, use the whole ass?
[To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.