Two and a Half Men quotes

728 total quotes

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Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?

Alan [on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?

Alan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]

Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?

Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!

Alan [to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]: I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!

Alan [to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.

Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.

Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.
Charlie: You can do that?
Alan: Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Alan: "Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

Alan: "So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.

Alan: [About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Alan: [about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.