Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.
BCBerta & Charlie
Can't help ya.
Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
BCBerta and Charlie
Yeah, look at your dad!
[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
What did he say to you?
Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Why would he think that?
Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.
[About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...
I do like banana cream pie.
Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
[Interrupting] I just told you I like it.
Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.
Goodnight Berta.
Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
You know what, I'll take a cab.
What?
A bottle of whipped cream.
So?
So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.
Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Speed Racer?
Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Alan...
I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
We all are!
Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.
Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.
Wow.
Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
Jake can hear you two in bed.
Oh, God... oh god...
He didn't hear THAT.
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