So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Troubles? What troubles?
Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.
And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.
Choose your words carefully, slim.
"Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Going in or coming out?
Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!
[about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!
WWaiter
Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
WWaiter
[in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
She must be dynamite in the sack.
Where do you get this stuff from?
Cinemax.
Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.
What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
I'm in real estate.
How interesting, so am I.
Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?
Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Did his father drink?
What choice did he have?!
Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Oh, that is just sick!
My point exactly.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.