Two and a Half Men · Season 5, Episode 2
Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Charlie, what about you?
I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
That was different.
How?
It was you.
Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.
She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
OK, it's you. Feel better?
Actually, no.
You're a very nice guy...
No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Yes, they finish last.
No, they finish in the shower.
Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Where are we going with this, Zippy?
I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Where the hell should I go?
Out the window.
Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.
He's an ex-Marine.
I'm going out the window.
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