“Women in Shorts” quotes from The Simpsons

Okay, ladies. Let's all take out this month's book. Then open it, close it, and break out the wine!

Marge Simpson

Luann, we're not feeling very "woo." What we're feeling is woo-ried.

Bernice Hibbert

Mm-hmm.

This is an intervention.

Luann

I don't have a problem with drinking.

Lindsey Naegle

It's not the wine.

Marge

Luann, you have an addiction to wine merch.

Lindsey Naegle

The question is: Do you want to live your life like this?

Luann

Oh! And I suppose all your throw pillows just say nothing. Anyway, it's not like it's hurting anyone.

Isn't it?

Marge

Luann, we're here for you.

Luann

But... but being a funny wine mom is my thing. I have absolutely nothing else in my life. [He starting to crying, Milhouse sighs]

Marge

You like coffee, right? What if your new personality was coffee?

Luann

Coffee merch doesn't get me there!

Bernice Hibbert

Chocolate?

Luann

"It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"? That makes no sense, Bernice.

Miss Hoover

How about "proud slut"?

Luann

Hmm... hmm... I love it.

Hi, Shauna!

Um. Who are you, freak? Besides a freaky freak, you freak.

I'm Malibu Stacy. You're Malibu Stacy. I came here from Malibu Stacy Land because a rea girl who plays with me needs my help. And that's you, Shauna.

You still play with dolls?

[Scoffs] No.

It's okay to be complicated. As women, we can encompass multitudes.

Encompass my fist! [He jumps and Stacy screams, he started to punch]

Dolph

Yeah, get her!

Get out of here and leave me alone, loser! I'm so sorry. Meet me at home after school. We'll have a tea party, I love you so much.

You're not fighting me! You're fighting your fears of growing up!

All right, good night, Nelly.

Mama, could you tell me a story? How about one from the Kingdom of the Classy Ladies?

[chuckles] Another one?

Aw, please! I never get tired of their adventures.

Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Muntzeena. Oh, and she loved to dance with all of her friends atop the glittery stage of...

Lord Tracksuit's Manor!

One five eve, a party of Knights of the Order of the Bachelor from the Valley of Silicon were there, tossing much gold.

Did they bring a wizard with them who could control the weather?

Oh, they sure did. And boy, oh, boy, did he make it rain.

Oh, my hero.

No, mom. You're mine.

Ah, shut up.

Homer

Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge. She'll take a night at home with the kids over a Hollywood premiere any day of the week.

Marge

I told you that.

Kent Brockman

Breaking news. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. A ship carrying America's entire supply of cigarettes has become lodged in the Panama Canal.

Sea Captain

R, D, R, D, R, D. [After the ship was turn left, but he couldn’t do that, Horn blading in the ship, crowd laughing] Do you think the honking is helping? ‘Cause I don't!

Kent Brockman

Experts say the cigarette shortage could mean months before shelves are restocked and lungs re-blackened.

Bernice

Oh, hey there, handsome. What's your name?

Dr. Julius Hibbert.

Bernice

No, it's not.

Okay, okay, I'll give it a try. Ahem. Hello, stranger. Got any sexually transmitted diseases I should know about?

Bernice

Ugh. My name is Lavern McCray. I'm a lingerie model.

Well, we have that in common.

Bernice

You're a lingerie model?

No, uh, my name is also Laverne McCray. I-I mean Maverne MacDoolittle?

Luigi

I want-a my mamma!

Eh, what you should want is a lawyer. How's about-a both?

Luigi

[holding a pizza] It's-a not-a looking a-good, Mamma. They gonna send-a me away forever.

Judge Snyder

Counselor Mamma, your closing argument?

Don't you dare take-a my sweet, sweet, sweet baby boy to jail. You want to kill an old woman?

Next week, on the Mamma-At-Law... Civil forfeitures laws unfairly discriminate against low income communities.

I believe every great dish is born of dreams. I'll often awaken with a new creation fully formed in my head. Every morning, I go to the farmer's market to get inspired. Each ingredient becomes a character in the story of lunch. Today's story is, I have 14 bucks and 500 kids to feed. Salt. Fat. Acid. Heat. No, thanks.

I've eaten in restaurants all over the world, and Lunchlady Dora's doing things I never thought were possible... or legal. Someone needs to stop her. Maybe the government?

When I present my food, I want it to evoke an emotion. Panic.

Ah! [He fells]

Agnes Skinner

So, hi. This is my first time on one of these sites. I'm not really sure how this works, but it's time to admit that I'm lonely. Janice passed away six months ago, and I'm finally ready to open my heart to a new enemy. We were at war for 50 years. Oh, God. What a nemesis she was. The most loathsome, sorry excuse for a human being you ever met. May she burn in Hell. I know you're not supposed to talk about your ex, but that relationship is a part of me. Anyway. Ever since I spit on her ugly grave, I've been alone. I'm looking for someone in my rage bracket. I'm not young. I don't have time to waste exchanging passive-aggressive emails or shooting hostile stares across the supermarket. I'm looking for a real commitment. [On phone] If you think that could be you, reach out. I just wanna make someone miserable for the rest of their worthless life. Hmph! [He chiming in phone]