Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?
[Back in Springfield Community Center]
My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.
AApu
I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.
My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!
Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!
I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.
[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.
AApu
Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.
I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.
LLLyle Lanley
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
LLLyle Lanley
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
LLLyle Lanley
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
PSPatty and Selma
Monorail.
LLyle
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
HMs. Hoover
I hear those things are awfully loud.
LLyle
It glides as softly as a cloud!
AApu
Is there a chance the track could bend?
LLyle
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
LLyle
You'll be given cushy jobs!
ASAbe Simpson
Were you sent here by the Devil?
LLyle
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
The ring came off my pudding can.
LLyle
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
[The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]
HSHomer, Skinner, and Apu
[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
Koop Koop-a-doop
AApu
[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
PSPrincipal Skinner
Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]
Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.
[On the recorder]
BSBarney's Girlfriend
Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]
[Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer [as his stomach grumbles]: Ooh! Stomach...churning! [keeps eating the expired ham. His stomach grumbling gets more intense. Begins to double over]: Bowels...clenching. Not much time. [falls off the couch, off-screen]: Must finish! [eating sounds]
[Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street, sirens wailing]
[Establishing shot of Springfield General Hospital. Cut to a sick Homer in a hospital bed with Marge, the kids, and Dr. Hibbert standing over him]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.
[whip pan to Patty and Selma with a purse]
Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]
[some time later]
Your old meat made me sick!
AApu
Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]
This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
[Cut to the same ambulance as before speeding down the street, sirens still wailing]
AApu
I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
You're... selling what now?
AApu
I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door on him]
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
MMan
[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
AApu
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
AApu
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
You may ask me three questions.
AApu
That's great, because I only need one.
[interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]
JWJames Woods
Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
AApu
Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--
WWoods
But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
That sounds like a good movie.
WWoods
Yes... yes, a... a movie, yes.
Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the Great American Novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
AApu
Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. And then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like! Didn't you think this through?...[fade to later]... was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had it...[fade to later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! [Skinner hangs his head in shame as Apu calms down] ...I mean, thank you, come again.
Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
[driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
[thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
[Kwik-E-Mart]
AApu
Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.
[still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
[Moe's Tavern]
Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.
[confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
SSanjay
I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
AApu
Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. :[Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
SSanjay
Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
AApu
Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!
[As Homer enters the Kwik-E-Mart, we are shown that Apu has decorated it with tons of American flags and is dressed in a baseball shirt and a cowboy hat.]
AApu
[speaking in a forced American accent rather than his natural Indian accent] Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging?
[walks past Apu] Low and lazy, so- [backs up and squints at Apu] Say something again.
AApu
Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out [shows Homer the fake ID he purchased from Fat Tony earlier] I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plum forgot about it. [forced laughter] Say, let's take a relaxed attitute toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY [pronounces it like the word "nigh"] Mets are my favorite squadron.
[notices that the statue of Ganesha that Apu previously had standing on the counter has been replaced by a magazine rack] Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
AApu
[hesitates] Oh, yeah. What was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got [takes a magazine off the rack, voice gets progressively louder and more agitated as his natural accent returns] Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes?! [tosses the magazine aside] Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? [he looks at the magazine he threw aside, as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman on the cover speak in the voices of Apu's parents, repeating what they told him before he left for America]
TCTom Cruise/Apu's father
Make us proud, son.
NKNicole Kidman/Apu's mother
Never forget who you are.
Please identify this object.
AApu
It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
AApu
Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
