Apu Nahasapeemapetilon quotes from The Simpsons

All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?

Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international played a signi-

Hey, hey...

Yeah.

Just, just say slavery.

Slavery it is, sir.

I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!

Homer

Thank you, come again!

We're the highlights in your hairdo

The extra arms on Vishnu

So don't take the (BWONG!!)

We won't take the (VUUEH!!)

Yes, let's be the (DON!!)

Thank you. Come again.

It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.

Homer

[points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?

Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.

Homer

Telemarketing, eh?

Homer

All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.

[hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney

[dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

[Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer

It's you.

Sideshow Mel

You only live once!

Hey, speak for yourself!

Homer

Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney

Where you going?

Homer

I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney

Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!

Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!

And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer

Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]

I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.

[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.

[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Chief Wiggum

[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.

[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.

Chief Wiggum

Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.

Hey, that was self-defense!

Chief Wiggum

Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.

You'll never make it stuck, dude.

Chief Wiggum

Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...

I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.

Chief Wiggum

And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?

You are so dead, little dude.

Bart Simpson

Thanks a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[laughs] You kids crack me up.

Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?

Homer

[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.

[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.

Homer

[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?

No, no! NO!!!

Kent Brockman

And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Homer

Oh, god.

Bart

Oh, man.

Marge

I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?

Chief Wiggum

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

Lou

[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?

Lisa

Who would do such a thing?

Here goes nothing.

[as symbols appear on the tester] Baby... baby... lemon.

All that sex for nothing.

Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Listen, I'll die when I want to!

Ned Flanders

[After Apu complains about his babies] Well, they can be a handful...of joy!

Shut up!

Flanders

They can fill your life with-

Shut up!

Flanders

Can't put a price on a miracle!

I can't believe you won't shut up!

Listen, how would you like to come with me?

Okay.

Wait, you don't even know who he is!

Who cares? There's only one of him!

Homer

Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.

I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.