Krusty the Clown quotes from The Simpsons

Krusty the Clown

Hey hey, kids! Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket!

Krusty

Hi, kids! [Laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel? [Mel slides his whistle] It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!

Booooooo!

Krusty

Hey, hey! Settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment again.

Krusty

[voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?

Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Rabbi, should I have another child?

Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

Sideshow Mel

Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty

ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!

We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty

DOWN THAT WELL!!!!

Krusty

And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers, Colonel Coward, Pepito the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World, Sideshow Bob and Suck-Up the Vacuum.

Sideshow Bob

This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty

Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob

No-talent shill!

Krusty

Second banana!

Sideshow Bob

Panderer!

Krusty

Bore!

Sideshow Bob

Stop it! Release me!

Krusty

Uh, now for the highlight of the evening: Best Film-to-Video Transfer.

Bart

How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.

Krusty

[crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!

Bart

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!

Krusty

OH MY GOD!! [sobs]

Bart

Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.

Krusty

Was it a nice hat?

Bart

Oh, yeah.

Krusty

OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]

Krusty

Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?

Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.

Krusty

[satisfied] I like, I like!

This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]

Krusty

[reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?

Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.

Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.

Krusty

[furious] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!

Homer

[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Krusty

Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!

Homer

Krusty, why are you here?

Krusty

Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."

Homer

Well, I could use a laugh.

Krusty

Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]

Homer

You seem pretty healthy.

Krusty

Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Krusty

[takes an angry puff from his cigarette] Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...[notices the cameras are on him]: Ha, ha! Hey, wow! Wasn't that great, kids?

Lisa

That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

Bart

Cartoons have writers?

Lisa

Eh, sort of.

Bart

Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.

Lisa

Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bart

Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Krusty

Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40! [holds up check to audience]

[quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Krusty

I don't wanna get a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes, herpes, bo-berpes, banana fana fo-ferpes! Herpes, OH!! Hey! Y'know that spot on Gorbachev's head? Herpes, trust me! Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen!

Yeah, well you're the worse comedian WE'VE ever seen!

Krusty

Great! Then we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes!

Fine with us! [Krusty then sits down on stage in dismay]

Bart

I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty

Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

Bart

[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin

No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

Krusty the Clown

Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. BAGGY!

Homer

Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

Krusty the Clown

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

Homer

[takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.