Scenes with Krusty the Clown 50
AAccountant
[incredulous] Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown[miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!
[On the TV, a Globetrotter is spinning the ball as Generals players hover uncertainly around him.]
Krusty the Clown
[screaming] He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball!
[The Globetrotter kicks the ball into the net behind him.]
Krusty the Clown
That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
[Krusty is being audited by the IRS.]
Krusty
Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
I1IRS Agent #1
Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail; we're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty
Garnish my celery?!
I1IRS Agent #1
Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty
Who's joking?! [sobs] Oh, I don't know what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
I2IRS Agent #2
It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
Krusty
But I don't plan to live that long!
I1IRS Agent #1
Better make it 95%.
Krusty
Oh-hoh, boy!
[Krusty is sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle in a paper bag. His home and belongings have just all been auctioned off. Bart approaches.]
Krusty? Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?
Krusty
Go ahead, kid, knock yourself out.
[sits] I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty. But you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
Krusty
Well, no offense kid, but your mom's a dingbat. There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese. A HUGE CHEESE! But now look at me! I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a FAILURE!
It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
Krusty
Respect? BAH! What good is respect without the moolah to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris. Research scientists drinking champagne! I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass! That's no life for a famous clown...
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.
[Bart cringes as Krusty angrily cocks his fist back. For a second it looks as though he'll do it, but he changes his mind.]
Krusty
Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
LLawyer
Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called "animation genius" before?
Krusty
Yes, I have!
Krusty
I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, BUT HE NEVER DID IT!
Those blintzes were terrible!
Krusty
PAINT MY FENCE!
Krusty
[charges at Chester and starts punching him] YOU GIVE ME BACK THOSE BLINTZES, THEN!
Order, order! We don't care about your blintzes!
[Krusty frowns at Snyder. It is now turn for the prosecutor to call Chester to the bar]
Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...
Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream!
[Hutz screams. He gave his word, Chester claims]
Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.
BSBelle/Showgirls
The gin in your martini
The clams on your linguine
Yes, we put the (BOING!!) in Springfield
WKWiggum/Krusty/Skinner
We remember our first visit
The service was exquisite
QMs. Quimby
Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Come on now, you were working here
AJAbe/Jasper
Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!
To shut it down now would be twisted
JDJimbo/Dolph/Kearney
We just heard this place existeeeeed!
NENetwork Executive Lady
We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty
So he's proactive, huh?
NENetwork Executive Lady
Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
WWriter
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
RMRoger Myers Jr.
Oh, yes.
[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
IItchy
Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
PPoochie
Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
Krusty
Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
AAnnouncer
It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
Krusty
[singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
[Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
Krusty
Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
[Cheering.]
Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
[During Cecil's audition to be Krusty's sidekick, his pie gag falls flat. Krusty and his producers are unimpressed.]
Krusty
Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny if the sap's got dignity. [notices Bob dressed up] Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!
[A pie hits Bob in the face. His hat flies off and his hair springs up to his signature palm tree afro with a "boing!" sound.]
[Krusty and his producers laugh uproariously. Gradually, Bob begins to appreciate the recognition and smiles.]
Krusty
That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies. You're hired!
[Cecil is dismayed when he sees Bob getting hired for a job he wanted so bad.]
[sees Bart eating a bread] I thought I told you to go to bed.
Yeah right, bread. You said go to bread.
[clenched her teeth] I said, go to bed!
Oh, bed. Oh! Anything you say sis. [leaves the table]
[Lisa twitches her eye, growling, later, Lisa checks on Bart, he is not in his room, Lisa finds Bart jumping on Homer and Marge's bed]
You didn't say which bed!
I'll make you! [lunges after him, Bart leaps off Homer and Marge's bed]
If you want me, you gotta catch me! [Lisa lunges at him, he leaps backwards] Almost. [Lisa leaps into the floor] Oh, so close.
Bart! [lunges at Bart, until Bart accidentally falls down the stairs, seriously injured himself along the way]
Son of a- [crashes at the bottom and lays motionless]
Krusty
[sees Bart injured] Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. [nervous chuckle] I'll come back. [leaves]
[Lisa gasps in horror]
Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!
Krusty
"Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!
[to Krusty after looking at Krusty-O's] Would you happen to know where I could find the Burns-O's?
Krusty the Clown
Sorry pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?
Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?
I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]
I've never seen such recklessness!
Are you some kinda moron?!
Krusty
Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.
Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]
Krusty
Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a schvitz. Hey-hey, happy birthday. Now get 'em outta here.
JLJay Leno
He seems reluctant.
Tell him it will count towards his community service.
Krusty
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.
Krusty
Have you noticed how there are two phone books: a white one and a yellow one. What's the deal with that?
One's residential, the other is business.
Krusty
Oh. Well, that makes sense. But what will they think of next? Blue Pages?
We have those. They're government listings.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
