Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

[watching "Itchy & Scratchy"] I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.

Lisa

Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."

Bart

I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Lisa

I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-

Marge

Bart!

Bart

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]

Homer

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!

Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Homer

[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!

Bart

[his soul floats down from above] [he grabs it and hugs it, and sees Lisa standing there] Lisa? You bought this?

Lisa

With the change in my piggy bank.

Bart

There's no change in your piggy bank.

Lisa

Not in any of the ones you know about.

Bart

Oh, Lis, thank you. [kisses her on the cheek]

Lisa

Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one [Bart eats the piece of paper] through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.

Bart

Uh huh. [swallows]

Lisa

What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?

Bart

This one spent two hours in the broiler.

Homer

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Bart

[conga beat while Lisa folds her arms] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/

[doing the conga] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/

Marge

[joins her husband and son] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad...

Lisa

Mom!

Marge

I don't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer

Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?

Marge

[sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Lisa

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Bart

You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

Homer

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Marge

Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Homer

Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Marge

Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.

Homer

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Bart

Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Homer

Bart, go to your room!

Lisa

Why don't you just eat him, Dad?

Homer

[turns red in anger and gets frustrated] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!

Lisa

[enraged] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THIS PREHISTORIC CARNIVORE. I AM OUT OF HERE!

Homer

THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[in a bleating, lamb-like voice] Lisa! What did I ever do to you?

Lisa

Why does it talk like a lamb?

Lisa

Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

Lisa

If your advertising agency created all those giant characters, you must know how to stop them.

Well sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon, it goes away.

Lisa

Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef?

Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers.

Lisa

But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town. [Out the window, the monsters wreck the town]

You know, maybe a jingle would help. [plays a piano arpeggio, sings] Don't watch the mon-- [plays another arpeggio] Don't watch the...monsters-s-s. [chuckles] Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

Lisa

Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...

Lisa

[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.

[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]

Lisa

It worked! They're all dead.

Bart

Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.

Homer

Mmm...sprinkles.

Marge

Homer! Stop looking.

Lisa

Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]

Homer

[groaning] Oh!

Kodos

Here comes something!

Kang

Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.

Kent Brockman

Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!

Homer

We'll be right back.

Lisa

Bart! Do you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Grampa

Heh! Welcome to my world! [falls asleep and snores]

There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures.

Lisa

It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.

Bart

You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.

Lisa

OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.

Bart

Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! [motions to the sandbox]

Groundskeeper Willie

When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!

Hibbert

Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?

Homer

Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?

Hibbert

No.

Lisa

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Marge

No.

Bart

No.

Patty

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Ned

No.

Selma

No.

Frink

No.

Lovejoy

No.

Chief Wiggum

Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.

Lisa

Well, where's my dad?

Frink

Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.

Lisa

[switches the light on] Sorry.

Frink

[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.

Chief Wiggum

Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.

Frank

But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

[gasps]

Frink

This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.

Homer

[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?

Frink

Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Chief Wiggum

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!

Chief Wiggum

Take that, you lousy dimension!

Homer

Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay ho-ome, na-na-na-na-na!

Lisa

I like school.

Homer

Well, why don't you live in it then?

Lisa

I would if I could.

Mr. Burns

Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!

Lisa

I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

Bart

And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-

Marge

Bart!

Chief Wiggum

Alright, Bob, it's over. Come out with your hands up.

Sideshow Bob

Noooo! How did they find me?

Lisa

[constricted] He's getting away!