[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]
LisaAnd, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.
[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.
But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence [chuckles] and that would be downright nutty! [The camera shows two photos of the Simpson family, one from an early Tracy Ullman short, the other from a mid-1990s episode] Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!
[Bart desperately tries to stop Brodka from showing the security tape of him shoplifting Bonestorm by standing in front of the big screen TV.]
Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it.
[His timing is off, and everyone sees him taking the game and hiding it in the jacket. Everyone is in shock, including Marge and Lisa, while Homer is enraged.]
Lisa
Bart, I would never expected this from you.
[montage of Mr. Burns abusing and berating Homer, who has replaced Smithers as his assistant]:
[yelps as he turns on the lamp] 60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?! [cut to Mr. Burns in bed, his nightcap is stiff and pointy] I asked for light starch on my nightcap! [Homer yelps as Mr. Burns pokes him with the nightcap] [cut to Mr. Burns at dinner, soaking Homer with his drink] You call this postum?! [cut to Mr. Burns in his office as he knocks over Homer's stack of paper] You call this a tax return?! [cut to Mr. Burns hitting a generator with a cane, causing it to spew out smoke and sparks of electricity] You call this a super computer?! [cut to Mr. Burns throwing sheets of paper, pencils, and a book at Homer] You're a travesty of a joke of an assistant!
[Homer tries to contain his rage, but eventually snaps and screams before punching Mr. Burns in the face. An eerie silence falls over the room as Mr. Burns falls to the floor, unconscious. We hear the ticking of a clock and tense violin music as Homer starts whimpering in panic, realizing what he just did, before running out of the room. Cut to Homer arriving at home, slamming the door behind him]
Is there something wrong, Homie?
Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
Lisa
What happened, Dad?
I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Lisa
Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.
[Watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy".]
Lisa
It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!
TATV Announcer
Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.
LLSir Lies-a-lot (played by Troy McClure)
Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
PPrincess (played by Miss Piggy)
Oh, Sir Lies-a-lot, I will! [they kiss before Sir Lies-a-lot pulls away to growl seductively]
KKnight (played by Kermit the Frog)
Unhand thee swine, you swain! Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot!
PPrincess
Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. [Sir Lies-a-lot draws his sword and starts dueling the knight with very stiff and awkward coreography]
Lisa
[watching the movie, bored] Dad, what's a Muppet?
Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [starts laughing, then stops] So to answer your question, I don't know.
[in the movie, there is a closeup of Troy McClure's face, and he is extremely wrinkly]
Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!
What are you talking about?
You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard--
Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!
[after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He turns to the wall, puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out muffled obscenities, then removes the hood and turns to face Lisa, eerily calm again.]
All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Lisa
No! Then he'll know I told!
[Lisa is eating in the kitchen and Marge is in the background. Bart enters]
Hey Lis. [sits beside her] I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. [Marge leaves]
Lisa
[Grabs Bart by his shirt and whispers to him] I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! [grabs a syrup bottle] You cost me my only friends! [holds the bottle on top of Bart's head, threatening him] You've ruined my life! [squeezes the bottle, but Marge re-enters the room. Lisa starts eating again and Bart looks at Lisa scared]
Hey kids! there's a carnival tonight!
[appears from behind a cereal box] Oh boy, a carnival!
[After the family has watched the video on Cyprus Creek]
It does seem nicer than Springfield.
Lisa
Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...
[Bart shoves her aside]
DLMr. Dewey Largo
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa
No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
She was looking at Nelson!
CClass
[sing-song] Lisa likes Nelson!
CClass
[sing-song] Milhouse likes Lisa!
CClass
[sing-song] Janey likes Milhouse!
CClass
[sing-song] Uter likes Milhouse!
Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!
Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Lisa
What?
When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa
Mom...?
He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Lisa
Oh, I know.
[Outside the lighthouse, Homer sees a sign saying that it is operated by Earl. Deciding that Earl is his soulmate, he rushes inside]
Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!
[But when he enters the main room, he discovers that Earl is the "Electronic Automatic Robotic Lighthouse"]
A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.
[His silhouette is projected by the lighthouse. Bart and Lisa see it as they brush their teeth]
Lisa
Either that, or Batman's really let himself go...
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
