Scenes with Lisa Simpson 515
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is, and it's me.
LisaRemember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.
Lisa
Beware the Ides of March.
Lisa
Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.
Everything lasts forever.
Lisa
Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Lisa
Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now, there are no lackeys to carry out your-- [Bart takes away Lisa, then salutes Homer]
[After being rejected by the new club, Homer takes matters into his own hands and replaces the members with monkeys]
Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.
[camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed and drunk monkeys]
[walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.
Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.
Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.
No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings.
[they blow on their whistle rings]
I meant our wedding rings!
[Homer is staring at a bowling ball, trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
Lisa
[in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
That's what really happened.
Lisa
Oh.
[The comet hits the atmosphere over Springfield, crumbling until it lands as a harmless rock smaller than a nearby Chihuahua's head.]
Lisa
I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.
But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa
Yeah, Dad was right.
I know, kids. I'm scared too.
Lisa
Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.
What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
Lisa
Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.
So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?
Lisa
Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Lisa
Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?
Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.
Lisa
Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
[In the gym, almost everyone has signed up for a sport. Bart looks around and sees how late he is. Lisa, Nelson and Milhouse faces him after he arrives in school.]
Oh, no, it's PE signup day!
Lisa
[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.
Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!
[During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up]
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members]
Lisa
Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?
Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.
Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!
You don't have the guts to takes us on.
[both walk away, Bart emerges from one of the lockers and imitates a chicken clucking, he hides again as Skinner and Krabappel turn to face each other]
[cut to Miss Hoover's classroom, Skinner and Krabappel are heard on the intercom fighting for control of the microphone]
[via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...
[via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!
[children in Miss Hoover's children begin to mumur in excitement]
Lisa
Oh no, strike?
Miss Hoover, are you on...
[Miss Hoover is shown driving off in her car, throwing papers out of it]
Lisa, honey, are you going to be okay?
Lisa
Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.
Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
Lisa
But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.
[Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier]
Lisa
Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa
Uh huh.
Lisa
Yeah.
What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lisa
[wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]
Lisa
And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!
And I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.
Homer, this is a cemetery.
VVendor
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
What do you do, follow my husband around?
VVendor
Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]
Lisa
Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy!
He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?
[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]
Lisa
Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
[pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!
Although he did send us this thank you card.
Lisa
[reading aloud on the card] "Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer snatches the card, looks at it, and lowers, his pupils shrinking due to rage as ominous music plays, Bart and Lisa look quite frightened]
Kids, would you step outside for a second? [Bart and Lisa run off of the room, he stands up, and inhales a gust of air...] F—
[At the church, the organ booms and a flock of birds scatter from the bell tower, the neighbors stunned and look at the Simpson house]
[from next door; gasps] Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
Lisa
Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
