Scenes with Bart Simpson 704
Bart[his soul floats down from above] [he grabs it and hugs it, and sees Lisa standing there] Lisa? You bought this?
With the change in my piggy bank.
Bart
There's no change in your piggy bank.
Not in any of the ones you know about.
Bart
Oh, Lis, thank you. [kisses her on the cheek]
Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one [Bart eats the piece of paper] through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.
Bart
Uh huh. [swallows]
[the family is having lamb chops for dinner and Lisa has discovered she can't eat them]
What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?
Bart
This one spent two hours in the broiler.
I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Bart
[conga beat while Lisa folds her arms] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
BHBart and Homer
[doing the conga] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
[joins her husband and son] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad...
I don't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.
[Homer and Bart are chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue. It rolls through some bushes]
It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig passes through traffic, hits a guardrail and falls into a canal with toxic waste drums in it]
It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig gets caught in the dam spillway. Water floods behind it until the built-up pressure shoots it through the spillway and rocketing into the distance]
It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
Bart
It's gone.
[in Mr. Burns' office]
You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
[they both laugh. A moment later the pig sails past the window]
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
No, I'd still prefer not.
[Lisa is using the riding lawnmower to push the barbecue pig out of the yard.]
Bart
[standing next to her] What?
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
[sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart
Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
[turns red in anger and gets frustrated] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
[enraged] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THIS PREHISTORIC CARNIVORE. I AM OUT OF HERE!
[Lisa furiously leaves the house and angrily slams the door]
THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!
PAPaul Anka
[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.
PAPaul Anka and Lisa
[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]
It worked! They're all dead.
Bart
Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
[everyone turns and gasps and Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut]
Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]
[Lard Lad collapses, he falls, his donut rolls away. Kodos and Kang, meanwhile, are trying to hitch a ride in the middle of the desert with a sign saying "Earth Capital"]
Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.
Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Bart! Do you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Heh! Welcome to my world! [falls asleep and snores]
[Bart and Lisa try hard to stay awake that night. Lisa gives Maggie a Buzz Cola to drink while the three children watch "Asian Market Wrapup."]
TATV Announcer
There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures.
It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.
Bart
You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.
OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.
Bart
Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! [motions to the sandbox]
When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Bart
No.
Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.
[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]
Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.
[switches the light on] Sorry.
[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.
[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?
Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.
Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!
[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]
Take that, you lousy dimension!
[in echo's voice, disembodied] Help! I don't have much time.
Bart
That does it! I'm going in!
[Bart runs into the dimension, but Marge catches him and fails. He keeps running until he turns 3D too and looks around]
Bart
Cool man!
[the camera rotates and zooms out into a bird's-eye view of the green grid, Homer is nearing the edge of the green grid]
Oh, my God! I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me of the other side? I don't know!
Bart
I'll save you, Dad.
[Bart climbs onto the XYZ street sign]
Bart
I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump!
[runs into a hole, breaks into pieces]
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap--
Bart
Aaaaaaaaah!
[the world exploses as Bart gets pulled back]
Bart
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic!
[in echo's voice] Craaaap!
Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place.
Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart
You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart
And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-
[As the Simpsons enter the air show the squeaky voiced teen is standing at the gate in an Air Force uniform, directing traffic.]
Bart
Way to guard the parking lot, top gun.
I have three medals for this!
[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart
Look at that hunk of junk.
[sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
Bart
How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.
[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
Bart
I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
DFDevil Flanders
Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart
Changed my mind, sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Bart
Cooooool...
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
