[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.
[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Bart, you're coming home!
BartI wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
[Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer]
RSRobotic Simmons
Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
[A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty"]
RSRobotic Simmons
Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]
Smithers, he's out of control!
I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]
[Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate].
[Bart imagines spending Christmas in juvenile hall with the bullies]
GGuard
Stand behind the yellow line. You will now receive your gift donated by the port of authority lost and found office. Pass your chip to Santa to receive your Christmas present. If you do not have a chip, you will not receive a gift.
Whoa, the March Aid newspaper.
[receiving a carpet samples book] Cool, a book of carpet samples.
Bart
Come on new bike. [drops his chip in and is disappointed when he receives a dirty wig] Aw, a soiled wig.
SSanta
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart
I'd like to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents.
[sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Eh-eh-eh--! Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart
Then may I please rent it, please?
No, you may not. I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
Bart
Hey, how come you're not playing 'Bonestorm'?
Ehh... it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now! [laughing] You never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go!
Bart
Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing your video game.
[giving Bart the video game] Here, go ahead.
Bart
No, let me try the cup and ball.
Bart
Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog!
Hey! Give it! That's mine!
[Bart and Milhouse fight for the cup-and-ball.]
What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
Bart
I don't have to listen of these wild allegations! [nose putty falls off and lands near Santa's Little Helper. He eats it]
[removes the chin putty and hat off Bart] Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
[She shows Bart three of their last Christmas photos with his previous misbehaviors: one with Bart making a cross-eyed funny face, another with Bart using a comb to simulate a Hitler mustache, and a third with Bart holding a cardboard speech bubble that reads, "I stink!" next to Homer.]
Hey, I don't remember saying that!
[Bart desperately tries to stop Brodka from showing the security tape of him shoplifting Bonestorm by standing in front of the big screen TV.]
Bart
Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it.
[His timing is off, and everyone sees him taking the game and hiding it in the jacket. Everyone is in shock, including Marge and Lisa, while Homer is enraged.]
Bart, I would never expected this from you.
Bart
Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
[on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]
He spanked you? [He's angry and points at Bart.] You? Bart Simpson?
Bart
I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.
Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.
And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!
[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]
First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then makes fun of the way I talk -- probably. Now, he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! WELL, THAT'S IT!
Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!
Bart
Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
[at the Springfield Marina, Bart and Lisa enters the Sea Cap'n's Bait 'n' Barg'n B'n, where McAllister is on the phone]
Arr, I've got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael. [hangs up phone] Ahoy here, minnows.
[Bart blows up a Krusty balloon and the face is deformed]
Bart
Ahoy! Have you seen this man?
Arr, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. [Turns to the back door] Pete, ye got some customers!
[a dwarf whose face resembles Krusty's comes in and plays an accordion while dancing]
[Krusty is sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle in a paper bag. His home and belongings have just all been auctioned off. Bart approaches.]
Bart
Krusty? Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?
Go ahead, kid, knock yourself out.
Bart
[sits] I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty. But you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
Well, no offense kid, but your mom's a dingbat. There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese. A HUGE CHEESE! But now look at me! I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a FAILURE!
Bart
It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
Respect? BAH! What good is respect without the moolah to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris. Research scientists drinking champagne! I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass! That's no life for a famous clown...
Bart
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.
[Bart cringes as Krusty angrily cocks his fist back. For a second it looks as though he'll do it, but he changes his mind.]
Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
[Bart and Chester are visiting Lionel Hutz' law firm in order to hire him as their attorney.]
All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.
Bart
A thousand dollars?! But your ad says "no money down"! [hands Hutz a cut-out of his newspaper ad, which says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY" and "NO MONEY DOWN"]
[chuckles] Oh, they got this all screwed up. [takes a pen and scribbles on the piece of paper Bart handed him, before showing that it now says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN!"]
Bart
So you don't work on a contingency basis?
No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either. [rips off the bottom half of the ad and eats it]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
