Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner

She did?

Bart

Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Bart

Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute.

Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.

Well we'll show him...especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" comment.

OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?

Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?

Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!

Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.

Bart

In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

Bart

Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor?

Marge

I'd be thrilled. You can start right now.

Bart

[angry] D'oh!

Marge

And I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.

Bart

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.

Marge

I hate it when he [Bart] gets in there.

Bart

Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?

Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.

Groundskeeper Willie

Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Bart

Hey, quit saying bad stuff about my town, man!

Why don't you make me?

Bart

I don't make trash, I burn it.

Then I guess you're a garbage man.

Bart

I know you are, but what am I?

A garbage man.

Bart

I know you are, but what am I?

A garbage man.

Bart

I know you are, but what am I?

A garbage man.

Bart

Takes one to know one!

Checkmate!

Martin

Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

We'll never get the tree back now.

Bart

Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.

Homer

FOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!

Bart

They stole our lemon tree!

Lisa

Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Bart

You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.

Bart

Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?

Homer

[blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

Ned

Wait! Homer, what did you just say?

Homer

[nastily] I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"

Ned

Oh, fair enough.

Reverend Lovejoy

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart

[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart

[angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart

You shank! How could you tell on me?!

Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart

"Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]

Reverend Lovejoy

I don't hear scrubbing!

Bart

Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]

It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!

Bart

Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Bart

[groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!

Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?

Bart

[pause] How much ya got?

Five bucks.

Bart

..Deal.

Bart

[watching "Itchy & Scratchy"] I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.

Lisa

Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."

Bart

I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Marge

Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.

Bart

Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of --

Marge

[interrupts] Let me guess. A mother can always tell. [hugs him a bit] Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. [hugs him more] It's not swim-test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something...something important.

Bart

[eager] Like I don't have a soul?

Marge

[chuckles] Aw, honey, you're not a monster.

Lisa

I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-

Marge

Bart!

Bart

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]

Homer

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!

Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Homer

[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!

I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: ALF pogs! Remember ALF? He's back... in pog form!

Bart

You traded my soul for pogs?! [runs out screaming] Noooooooo!

Close that door, you're letting the heat out!

Kirk Van Houten

Shut up, shut up, shut up!