South Park · Season 11
What is going on, Brian?
Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snuke up your sniz.
[fanning face] Oh my.
What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
But then that means--
Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.
Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super bad farts!
Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
Hey!
Donner, take over that station.
What's going on?
This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Homeland Security?
Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on, you answer to me. You got that?
Excuse me, who's in charge here?
I am.
Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
That's outrageous! On whose orders?
On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on, you're answering to me.
Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]
Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
Where's the intel from?
We just read it on Drudge Report.
We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
[pauses] Not anymore you're not.
Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]
The game is over! Get down on the ground!
How did they find us?
We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.
It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
[power outage]
What the hell?
The power went out.
So then what time is it?
[power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]
Oh, crap!
Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.
Stanley, just dye your goddamned eggs!
[gets up from his seat and leaves the dining table, storming upstairs to his room; frustrated] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get!
What is wrong with him?!
Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
[slams his hands on the table, angrily having to have heard that, and rises up from his seat] You know so little. [leaves]
[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]
...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
Uh...don't you think that's....
No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!
[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
[happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!
Oh. my God!
[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]
MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!
[ninjas kill him]
They found me!
Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]
[distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!
[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]
[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
What?!
Stab me with this. [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
No way! Do it yourself.
Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Just make it quick, through the neck. I'll rise again immediately.
Don't make me do this.
My son, there is no time. Do it.
Eric Cartman can never know about this.
I understand. And Kyle...Happy Easter.
Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Jesus?
[Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]
Would you allow straight people in? Men?!
Well, we would allow whoever--
Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!
[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]
How dare you!
[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a la Oracle Girl from 300]
I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.
Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!
You're a lesbian now?
That's right. A proud lesbian. And our home is being taken away!
The bar has been sold to Persian club owners, I don't know what you want me to do about it.
Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor.
Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.
Again?
I know you're actually a woman.
How...? How did you find that out?
I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
