South Park Season 11 quotes

Cartman

[jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny

Yes!

Stan

That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle

Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.

[appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?

What the...? You can't be in here.

Ya got any change, sir?

No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?

Chaaaaange?

No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any-- [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Change, sir?

Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

What happened?

[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Is that...is that some spare change?

Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Spare some of that change, sir?

But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Spare some change?

It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Chaaaaange?

Kyle

What's it doing?

It's dying.

Cartman

Cool.

Spare any change, sir?

Cartman

No! Back off! [slams the door]

Kyle

Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]

...Got any more?

Kyle

[smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.

[turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?

Kyle

You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

Spare some change?

No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Got any change?

No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Can you spare some change?

Chaaaange?

Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Change?

No!

Chaaange?

Spare some change?

Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

All right, God bless you, sir.

Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

[following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Spare some change?

I just gave you change!

Stan

We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Kyle

[angrily] That wasn't my idea!

[horribly burned and missing her lips, holding a shotgun] DENNIS!

Christine!

You son of a bitch! You tried to burn me!

I had to, Christine, you were homeless!

No, I wasn't homeless, you stupid asshole!

I have no idea what you're saying!

Yeah, because you burned my lips off!

I nurned your rip sauce?

No, you burned my lips off!

I have no idea what you're saying!

[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--

Cartman

Dick tits!

[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--

Cartman

Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--

Cartman

Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

Cartman

[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--

Cartman

Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle

Will you knock it off already?!

Cartman

Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle

Don't push me, asshole!

Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Well, Kyle?

Kyle

[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman

What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle

I'm sorry!

Cartman

You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--

Kyle

I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]

Cartman

Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila

Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman

Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!

Cartman

Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman

[to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?