(singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.
S15 E14The Poor Kid
S16 E1Reverse Cowgirl
What is that?
A toilet.
That's right, it's a toilet, Clyde! And where is the toilet seat? It's up! (And why?) Because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde!
Okay, Mom, just not in front of my friends, okay?
No, not okay, because you are getting the message! What if I'd fallen in it?! START LISTENING TO ME! Put it down! PUT IT DOWN! [Clyde quickly puts the toilet seat down; walks out of the bathroom] Thank you. [walks away]
[off-screen] Clyde?! Clyde?! [enters Mr. Garrison's classroom] There you are!
Mom?
Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
Why?
What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?!
Mom, I'm in class.
How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?! I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again!
RRoger
Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.
No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit, and I am sick and tired of it! If I had sat down, I would've gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
My grandma's from Virginia.
You are coming home right now, Clyde, and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs! Let's go!
S16 E2Cash for Gold
Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.
What?! Randy!
[shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.
You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?!
You dirty double-crossing assholes! You try to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then try to fuck me!
S16 E4Jewpacabra
Cartman's Passover holiday special. starring... The Jewpacabra!
Ugh... what!? [stands up] What's going on?!?
M1Man 1
The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
(it starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away)
It's raining frogs! [finds Kyle, who is climbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs!?
[bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes! It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!
Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
What does that mean?
It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
That's just how God is.
You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick!
[Kyle gets angry]
Oh yeah, you're going to find out what's gonna happen!
Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why?! What are you doing?!
This is what God told us to do!
No, Kyle! I don't believe you!
You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]
Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]
K1Kid 1
What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]
Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]
CMChild Mom
Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]
Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]
M2Man 2
[holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!?
No! The bread's all flat! Nooo! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Noooooo! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]
PPharaoh
Son! We were wrong! I was wrong!
We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Noooo!
[his head explodes, and the Pharaoh cries in despair]
S16 E5Butterballs
This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!
If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put on the internet for free?! [short pause] Well?
What, what was the question again?
[slowly speaking] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the internet for free?
S16 E6I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining
[Outside Backcountry Adventures]
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
G1Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
...Shuttle?
How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about forty-five minutes.
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
[The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.]
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
Uh that's okay.
M3Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Yeah.
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
G1Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
JJulien
(narrating) But then the unexpected happened.
JJulien
[A live-action segment of the episode begins] (narrating) Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from Hell. [cut to different shots of the four boys screaming] ...trapped on a forty-two foot power boat [cut to the boat the boys are on] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
[angrily] Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
[shoots back at Kyle] Well, it’s not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all zip lining, you fahkin’ Jew!
Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!
JJulien
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining- mine or Kyle's?
[unmuffled, nonchalantly] I don't know; I really don't give a shit...
JJulien
For four elementary school boys, an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... [cut to a fly-over of the boat as the title appears into view] "I Should Have Never Got on a Goddamn Boat". [cut to more shots of Kenny and Stan screaming]
[notices Cartman drinking another can of Diet Double Dew] Oh no. You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side, into the water! [the scene cuts to a watermark saying, "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies", followed by shots of Cartman defecating over the side of the boat, Stan screaming, and Kyle and Kenny vomiting]
S16 E8Sarcastaball
And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters sits on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?
What's sarcasm and what's cum?
We'll talk about that when you're older.
Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football.
S16 E11Going Native
You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
[puzzled] Butters? Why?
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
You're talking about Butters?
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!
[The boys leave the cafeteria and stand outside the restroom around the corner, where Butters has locked himself in]
[knocking on the door] Butters?
[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!
Butters, come out here.
GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...
[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?
[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]
Wow.
[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!
[Later… in Principal Victoria's office; Principal Victoria discusses with Stephen and Linda about Butters' behavior]
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!
[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
[After a short pause…]
Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.
Excuse me?
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.