Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

[as Mr. Garrison splashes water on him] Hey, fuck you.

Wake up, dickhead.

Garrison? What the hell is wrong with you?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me. There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts-and-foods district called Shi Tpa Town?

All right, it was kind of my idea.

Son of a bitch.

What? To take one area of town that was crappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained!

It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [takes out an album book] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north of downtown into NODOFOPA. A run-down area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SOCACHEYWO. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.

Oh my God.

LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO… All happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!

What does it mean?

In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a much larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.

I'm warning you. You're on the wrong side of this. We're just trying to get answers.

[drawing her gun on him] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!

He pulled one on me first, Sharon!

Stan

Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!

Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!

I told you to leave him alone!

God, I hate this family! [pulls out her gun at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!

Whoa! Whoa, Shelley! Put down the gun, Shelley!

You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!

Stan

She doesn't always take my side!

You shut up or I'll swear to God I'll use this.

Shelley, put it down, now.

You don't even try to know me, Dad!

I want to, Shelley! I just sometimes like you hate me!

I feel like you hate me, Randy!

I don't hate you, I LOVE you! I need to be a better husband, a better father!

Stan

We all need to be better to each other!

Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!

..I love you guys.

Stan

We love you too, Dad. We just wanna know what's going on with you.

All right. I'll tell you everything. [holds his gun] Wow, these things are amazing.

Shelley, you take care of Grandpa!

Okay! [cocks her gun aims it at Grandpa Marvin]

No, no, no, don't shoot Grandpa! Just literally take care of him.

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

[comes down the stairs, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction; then turns and notices Sharon crossing her arms] Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.

Did you hear anything about what happened last night?

Uuuhhh, no, what happened?

Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, showing last night's news] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?

Are you serious?!

You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!

God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode.

Randy, what did you guys do at that party?

Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.

People were hurt!

Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!

You can't possibly be considering doing this again!

Why not?

Randy a real witch is flying around in the sky snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying.

Ugh. Gah! Just because of one bad witch, we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-some-odd years?! Jesus!

[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan

What's going on?

Tweek's having a panic attack.

It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle

Who did?

The President!

It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan

It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle

You saw the President?

Stan

Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi

"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token

"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan

Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman

Just like that movie IT.

You saw IT too?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token

I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!

Stan

Some kid shot up the school.

Who shot up the schoo-- was it you?

Stan

No.

Did you get shot?

Stan

No.

Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?

[pounds the table, angrily] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!

I'm sorry, Sharon. I...

Why are you all acting like this is normal?! What is wrong with you people?! [storms upstairs]

Stan

What's up Mom's ass?

[entering] Hey, Sharon. You doing okay?

No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!

Uh-huh, and... what else is going on?

Why does there need to be anything else?! [in unison] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

[in unison] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.

Why isn't anyone else emotional?!

Hon, uh… when was your last… I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause, you know, you're… down there?

Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's…

I'm… I'm just… I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.

GET OUT, RANDY! I'm not overreacting!

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]

Butters

There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]

Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?

I just feel so empty.

What are you guys so upset about?

Shut up, Shelley!

Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.

Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.

No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.

A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.

[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

Stan

Where will he go?

He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.

I'm over it, Sharon. I am seriously over it. Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times?

What do you mean?

I've had it -- school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get outta here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Are you being serious?

I've never been more serious.

[honking] Hey, the light's green!

SHUT UP, NELSON! Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like work hard and tegridy.

How will we make a living?

By growing things and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.

[confronting Stan with a vape pen] Where did you get this?

Stan

It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.

Yeah, right. My own son using a pussy stick. Don't you know what these things are doing to our way of life?! I've had enough!

Stan

What are you gonna do?

You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us!

Stan

I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!

Well, at least I'm not a school shooter!