Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

Hello, Bezos. You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! [focusing on the townspeople's bloodshot eyes] Just look in the eyes of these people. Everyone has Tegridy now - Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore! We are a town!

[beat] Are you all high?

No. [the townspeople murmur in agreement] Why do you ask that?

Because I'm over here!

Oh. [walks around the crowd to face Bezos] Hang on. Hold on. Okay. I got it. Anyways. You see Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy. That's because I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's - now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?

NO!

The point is nobody's coming to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else!

Damn you, Tegridy!!!

Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and say it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!

Oh, why does it matter?

Why does it-- Ugh. Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!

Stan

Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.

You know what? Fuck South Park!

Fuck South Park.

Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!

I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."

[enters the room; upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?

Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.

Med Men? But, those guys are posers.

We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.

Jesus. You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.

That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!

YOU'RE a towel!

What is wrong with trying to protect our business?

[walks towards the front door; stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]

I AM NOT A TOWEL!!

Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel.

Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms is turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.

Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]

BEST TOWEL YOU EVER HAD, BITCH!

All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Huh-uh. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!

Well it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-

SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!

Please. Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet, because we were political prisoners.

YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!

Uhhh that's me. Randy Marsh.

Who is this? I don't know you. Are you from Pixar?

No, I'm from South Park.

What's South Park? Do I own that?

No, not yet sir.

You're telling me that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!

Hey, hold on a minute! Do you really think this business should be run through intimidation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy.

Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I for one think the world is going to be a better and safer place now that China finally has Tegridy.

Stan

[noticing his father's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh?

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves] Where are ya goin', Stan?

Stan

I'm going to go write another song about you.

Ooh, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!

[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?

How much did you spend making that commercial?

Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.

[furiously] Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!

Yeah. We make money either way.

You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]

I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]

[gasps] Shelley!

Stan

I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]

[gasps] Stan!

Rick

Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?

Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?

Rick

It's a plant-based burger, sir.

Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?

Rick

No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.

Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card to Rick as he turns it through and hands it back to him, hands him the receipt and the burger; takes a bite of it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?

Rick

They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.

Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... basd... Plant-based. Oh my God.

Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!

Believe what? Your text said that-

Come on come on come on! [pulls him into the kitchen with two burgers sitting on the table] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands Gerald a burger]

It's a hamburger?

It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it] Well?

This tastes like shit.

Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.

[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.

Wait for it. Wait for it..

Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]

Yeah ha ha?

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, right?

[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!

And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12.

[reclining against a cabinet eating a burger] Best burgers I ever had.

I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger, and Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited. [the crowd behind him across the street begins to cheer him on, and he looks over his shoulder at it]

Yeah-ha, you know, we're all just... we're all just bein' healthy and ethical out here.

Uh-huh. And Mr. Marsh, what about the STUDENT PROTEST COMING OUT AGAINST YOUR BURGER RIGHT NOW?!?

Huh?

Students are coming forward saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical!

Rick

[shows up dressed as a college student in a blond wig] That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera, just take a look!

We warn you, the following footage is graphic. [footage is now showing Randy and Towelie's cow-killing massacre, and after it ends, the crowd behind Randy starts booing at him] Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?

[being pelted by burgers from the crowd] Ohhh, hey. Fuck you! Oh they were- They were just- We didn't eat 'em.

Hey, where's Shelley?

Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.

Why?

You know why, Randy.

[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?

What do you want?

Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?

I hate marijuana!

Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?

It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!

Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?

Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!

Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?

Serena Williams.

Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.

No, she's not!

You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!

Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!

Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!

It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelley walks in with her potion] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [Shelley then splashes the potion all over the Halloween Special; turns around, alarmed] SHELLEY!

That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away]

No! NOOO!!

Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.

[chuckling] W-what?

Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.

You're going to a book fair.

Yes.

On fucking Halloween?!

Yes!

I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!

You're my dad. Drive me to the book fair!

I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!

The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the table's leg off and jars of marijuana fall and shatter]

OH, MY GOD!!

Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweak. Mackey.

Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when (all the) homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called "Mexican Joker?"

Yeah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.

Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.

Well, that's ridiculous.

The Tweaks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.

Guys, I have nothing against home-growers.

Run the footage, please! [Janson plays the footage on the screen; Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and starts peeing and pooping in it, he then burys an explosive and runs away before the homegrown garden explodes; end of footage] People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.

Enough of Tegridy Farms?! South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!

You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. [to an officer] Get him out of here.

[as the officer takes him away] I didn't do anything wrong! You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful!

Well, at least South Park can start getting back to normal.

[answers the door] Oh, hi, Mayor.

We need to talk, Marsh.

What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas Special so far?

Oh, people love the Christmas Special. [picks up a jar and turns to Randy] So, Marsh. What exactly is in this Christmas Snow?

Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong.

No, no, no, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?

Oh, that? That's cocaine.

[horrified shock] WHAT?!

Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.

What is wrong with you?! We can't have you selling this stuff in town! Cocaine is ILLEGAL!

It is?

Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!

Hey, hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere. [pulls away from the farm and goes to town; later returns] Okay, cocaine's totally legal now. [hands the mayor the new law]

It- it is?

Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.