Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.

[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?

People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?

Yes, thank you!

Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.

Then eat it!

Excuse me?

If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?

Yeah. Alright. [Sips the gluten up. After a few seconds he contorts and groans in pain, burns began to appear throughout his body. The audience began to panic, then his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out and soon launches itself like a rocket]

Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off.

Oh Jesus.

Beer is all wheat, Dad!

Shut up, beer is bad for you?

Stan

Dad? Dad!

[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?

Stan

Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you is Lorde's uncle or something?

I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?

Stan

Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?

How's your mom? Your, your sister?

[walks up next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're, you're gonna have to go.

Stan

No, no, no, not yet. DAD!

That's my son, you bastard!

I'm sorry, all right?!

Stan

Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!

Stan!

Stan

Let me talk to my dad!

STAN!!!

They're just gonna let us starve to death?

They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.

[makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]

There's nothing left, I told you!

There's plenty of pizza dough.

Are you crazy?!

I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]

Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.

You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!

A setup? But by who?

Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.

Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]

Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]

All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan

Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle

About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Tell them, Stephen.

You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.

A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]

For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

[showing up at the Marsh residence with Butters behind him and bangs on the door before Randy answers; frazzled] Randy, we need to talk.

Okay.

[whispers] Inside! [moments later; pacing back and forth while Butters sits on the sofa with Randy and Sharon] I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news. [walks up to Randy] Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts?

No. I didn't.

I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them.

What might be?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy?!

Drones are spooky?

If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby.

All right, guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea, who will be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. Have a great show, ladies!

Hey, uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work.

You're nervous, it's understandable.

No, I'm eh… I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.

You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit.

Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!

Oh, fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!

No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models.

That's easy for you to say because you don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!

Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you.

'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!

FUCK YOU!

Stan

Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?

I was told to.

You were told to walk out in front of 100,000 people, including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit?

Okay, hold on. "A," I don't have a clit, so, technically, I wasn't rubbing anything. And "B," I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!

Stan

[annoyed] Pff. [gets up from his seat and leaves the dining room, and so does Sharon, leaving Randy by himself alone]

I love children just as much as you do.

Allegedly! That was a civil suit and there was no evidence! It's ignorant.

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Huh for what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Yup!

Yup, that's right.

I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]

Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.

It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.

We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!

And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!

Where could it even go?

Mayor?

I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.

Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!

Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the Sodomy project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [the McCormicks pause; Stuart stands]

Yeah, I got concerns! I don't want you touching my darn house!!

We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.

What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!

Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.

Buck you! If you people want to turn something into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!

My house is nice.

Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

What?!

There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!

What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?!

Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!

Everybody told me they were terrorists!

We thought they were! But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!

But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.

Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"

I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.

Do you even know what "farm to table" means?

Do you want to explain to me what "pussy crushing" is?

What?

Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! It's just a way to pick up on young women?!

Sh-Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are.

I don't want you going over there anymore!

I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!