[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
KyleActually, some other projects are pretty cool.
CHCartman & Heidi
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
Kyle
[on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.
Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.
Kyle
We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.
What exactly do you want?
Kyle
What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!
Jeez, I got a little chub.
[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
Tweek's having a panic attack.
It was real! He tried to get me!
Kyle
Who did?
It's just your imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
Kyle
You saw the President?
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"
"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.
I saw Stranger Things and IT.
Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!
Kyle
Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
Kyle
Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music?"
Kyle
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?
Kyle
What do you want me to say?
The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas!
[South Park Elementary; Stan had told his friends about living on a farm after selling their house]
Kyle
So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Kyle
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
Kyle
What are you talking about?
You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.
Kyle
What the fuck are you doing here?!
So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said "Oh, I already did it to Kyle." Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.
Kyle
I haven't seen my parents in two weeks! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!
I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it.
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
Kyle
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]
[Hell's Pass Hospital; Kyle and Ike are in the waiting room while Sheila is being checked up, having suddenly started projectile pooping and vomiting on herself shortly after delivering a speech to all the women of the town at the community center]
Hello, boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called, C. diff. It's very contagious.
Kyle
A bacterial infection? In her stomach?
All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.
Kyle
So what can you do for her?
We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.
KIKyle and Ike
[disgusted] Eeewww!
Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry.
Kyle
Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.
Kyle
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!
Kyle
So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Kyle
Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!
Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Kyle
Why?
Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.
When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?
Kyle
What?! EW! NO!
I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
Kyle
That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.
Kyle
What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.
Kyle
I said, NO, and that's final!
Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.
Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
I hope we can all be besties again.
You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?
Kyle
I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.
Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.
Kyle, I need to talk to you.
Kyle
Hey, dude.
I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.
Kyle
You think he got the virus?
No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore!
Kyle
I know, this bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.
And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?
Kyle
You really think it's that bad?
[stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!
You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]
[Cartman looks at the shredder, the boys, steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store and hands it over to the Chief]
Kyle
[awed] I don't believe it.
CSChief Scientist
Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]
GGarrison
Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]
Kyle
[after Cartman hangs up with Ms. Nelson] What was that? You know we can't get into the school!
She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle!
Kyle
You didn't even try! He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccines for money!
And what about you, Kyle? You were the one trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning.
Kyle
Wow. Okay, thought we had gotten past that, but...
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other!
[The boys run inside the school with the vaccines where all the teachers are waiting]
Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.
Kyle
We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.
Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID, since the boys were too late]
[Cut to her funeral; her body is in a casket]
FMFr. Maxi
As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
