Kyle[answers his phone while playing computer games on his computer] Hey, Stan.
Dude… my head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.
Kyle
Not gonna believe what?
Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.
Kyle
Yeah, I know it's Tolkien.
No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote The Hobbit and stuff!
Kyle
Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?
[horrified] You knew it was Tolkien like the writer.
Kyle
Everyone knew it was Tolkien.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-O-K-E-N.
Kyle
Yeah, dude, 'cause Cartman's a fucking moron.
Wha-- hold on a second! [calls Cartman's number]
[answers his phone while eating chips and watching TV] What's up, dawg?
Dude, Cartman, did you know that Tolkien is named after J.R.R. Tolkien?
Well, yeah, I just figured.
Then why did you spell it "Token" without the "L" or the "I"?!
J.R.R. Tolkien has an "L" in it? That's gay. Who did you think Tolkien was named after?
[from outside the bathroom] Stan? You out here?
Uh, yeah, hang on a second Tolk-kien, just taking a shit.
[Kyle walks to the front door as the doorbell rings, answers it, seeing his teenager, Trevor, with his mother]
TSTrevor's Mother
Are you Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah.
TSTrevor's Mother
I'm here to drop off Trevor. He said he is your teenager now.
Kyle
Yeah, that's right!
TSTrevor's Mother
Okay. Well, good luck.
TTrevor
What time are you picking me up?
TSTrevor's Mother
Just gimme a call… Don't make it too soon, though, because I am going to relax.
TTrevor
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad! Go away, I don't wanna see your stupid fucking face!
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
Kyle
Yeah, what's up?
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.
Kyle
What?
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?
Kyle
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!
How'd I frack up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!
The guy has guns for hands!
[Later, in the principal's office…]
[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!
[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.
Kyle
[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!
Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!
Kyle
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.
Kyle
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
Kyle
What's that supposed to mean?
Just means you're in charge.
Kyle
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
Kyle
You're sick of hearing it?
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
Kyle
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
Kyle
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
Kyle
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Kyle
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
Kyle
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
Kyle
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
Kyle
Good!
[They both angrily go their separate ways]
OOfficer
[answering the phone] Park Country Police Station. What's your emergency?
Kyle
[on the phone] Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks and it's 10:30 at night!
OOfficer
Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife, who just want to be left alone?
Kyle
Yes! They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand! [looks outside from his window] Oh, God damn it, now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.
Kyle
Do you like it?
Kyle
Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?
Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.
Kyle
What?!
[Outside on the playground, all the kids gather around, watching Bebe beating up Butters to a bloody pulp]
[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!
Kyle
[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!
I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!
Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.
WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!
You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!
Kyle
Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!
Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.
Kyle
Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.
You're lucky he saved your ass!
Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
Kyle
[to Stan as they walk down the school hallway] He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Kyle
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that all women are whores, and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
Look guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.
Kyle
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups he's spewing his stupid shit about.
[walking up to them] Hey, guys, who are you talking about?
Kyle
Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
[off-screen] Hey, here he comes!
[All the students boo angrily and throw paper balls at Clyde as he walks through the hallway]
[passing by] Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
Kyle
You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!
Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]
We're not indulging your stupid podcast!
Kyle
Yeah, screw you, fatass!
I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.
Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?
[takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]
Kyle
What are you guys talking about?
Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.
Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.
Kyle
Really?
Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
Kyle
Wait, what was that?!
Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
Kyle
No, the one about my mom!
Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Kyle
Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!
[to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.
SCStan & Cartman
[put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.
[blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!
[Stan and Cartman take out their phones again]
Kyle
Take that bet down right now, fatass!
I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.
Kyle
This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]
Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.
[sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny in the cafeteria around lunchtime] You guys! You guys! [pulls out his phone] Have you checked the betting app lately?
Ever since Kyle got all pissed off, the odds are going up on his mom attacking Gaza.
Yeah, check it out! Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it, we gotta get in on this, guys!
Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.
Yes, exactly! [lowers his voice] We know that. And we can also influence Kyle to get the odds raised even more. It's called a conflict of interest, you guys, it's a way to make free money.
Yes! All we have to do is make sure Kyle stays angry, and at the same time, go talk antisemitic shit about his mom to goose the odds up even more.
Kyle
[walks up to the table and sits down next to Stan] What are you guys talking about?
[puts his phone away] Nothin'. Just talking about how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.
Kyle
You think it's messed up?
Yes, I do, Kyle. Why would an app allow a bet like that to exist? It's obvious rage bait.
Kyle
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!
Dude, you might just wanna let it go.
See? "Just let it go." That's how people want you to deal with a crisis that they don't even understand.
Kyle
[pointing at Stan; angrily] Yes! [then pointing at Cartman] Thank you.
You can't give up, Kyle. It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom. And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will? [walks down the school hallway] Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom? [all the students look at him] Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you. Well I don't know, I would just hate to be a Palestinian hospital, that's all I can say. Well, anyways, good to talk to you guys. [walks away] Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about my friend Kyle's mom?
[Nighttime at the Broflovski Residence; The family is having soup for dinner at the table]
[ranting in frustration] Everywhere I went today, it was the same thing! What are you going to do about Gaza?! Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel. Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?! [to Gerald] Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?
No, for some reason, they were just asking what you think about it.
You see?! It's just pure antisemitism! I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on Hamas! [Ike secretly pulls out his phone, opens up the poll in the market app, and bets $2] And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non-Jews know nothing about! Well, if they all think we should do something… [in unison] then you better believe I'll do something!
Kyle
[whispering in protest; in unison] You… stop! [out of unison] You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay low for a little bit.
There! Now my son is complacent. This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it anymore! [gets up from the table and heads to the front door]
Kyle
[hops off his seat and follows her] Ma, please. Don't make things any worse.
Worse?! How can it be any worse?! [takes her bag off the coat rack and opens the door] I'm going to find out where all this is coming from, and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! [closes the door and leaves]
Kyle
No, Ma!
MMeagan
[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?
They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!
How can the app company do that?
I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!
MMeagan
Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!
[The students all put away their phones; Kyle and Cartman are then seen sitting on the steps]
Kyle
Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
Kyle
Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.
What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?
Kyle
Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.
It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?
Kyle
No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.
[Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are watching Red's AI video of Kyle being defecated by Droopy Dog]
DDDroopy Dog
You like that hot shit in your Jew mouth?
I mean, you got to admit it's pretty impressive. It looks really real.
Kyle
It's not impressive! It's fucked up! How is this even legal?!
Nothing's sacred, Kyle. All you can do is fight fire with fire.
Kyle
Well, then, let's see how Red likes it when we make one of her and Bluey!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
