CartmanOh, hey, Kyle.
What the fuck are you doing here?!
Cartman
So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said "Oh, I already did it to Kyle." Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.
I haven't seen my parents in two weeks! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!
Cartman
I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it.
Cartman
No shots! No shots!
Eric, you have to be a big boy.
Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.
Cartman
No, no, no, no, no! [screeches]
Eric, it's just a little prick.
Cartman
[laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!
[Eric panics and jumps all over the place, squealing like a pig]
[That night at the Cartman residence… Liane peeks into her son's room, checking to see if he's asleep, then signals the parents by flickering her bedroom light off and on and they come inside]
[with Linda, Gerald and Sheila creeping behind him; whispering] Alright, alright. Bring him in! [Richard and Mrs. Tweak enter with the doctor] The little boy's room is upstairs.
[whispering; worried] Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!
Look, by the time he knows what's happened, it'll already be over.
Did you bring his boo-boo present?
Yes, yes. Come on, Thomas and Laura!
[Thomas and Laura enter with a Hot Wheels racing game for Cartman along with Linda Black with a sign reading: "You did it, Eric"] Okay, see? We got the present, everything's gonna be fine.
[The parents go upstairs and into Cartman's room; The doctor puts his medicine kit on the bed, prepares a vaccine, and draws it close to Cartman]
Cartman
[suddenly wakes up, sensing someone nearby] Hey, what's going on? [notices the doctor about to inject the vaccine into him, then bolts out of bed, and runs around in panic]
DDoctor
It'll be just for a second!
[trying to catch him] Oh, Jesus!
Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still!
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Cartman
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!
Cartman
So?
So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
Cartman
[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!
Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Cartman
Whaaat?
Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.
When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?
Cartman
Yes!
I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Cartman
Kyle!
Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.
Cartman
What is your problem?!
What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.
I said, NO, and that's final!
Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.
Cartman
This is bullshit!
DHDet. Harris
You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?
Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
DHDet. Harris
Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
OOfficer
It was COVID-related.
That doesn’t make any sense!
[stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!
Cartman
You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]
[Cartman looks at the shredder, the boys, steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store and hands it over to the Chief]
[awed] I don't believe it.
CSChief Scientist
Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]
GGarrison
Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]
[after Cartman hangs up with Ms. Nelson] What was that? You know we can't get into the school!
Cartman
She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle!
You didn't even try! He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccines for money!
And what about you, Kyle? You were the one trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning.
Cartman
He what?
Wow. Okay, thought we had gotten past that, but...
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other!
[The boys run inside the school with the vaccines where all the teachers are waiting]
Cartman
Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.
We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.
Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID, since the boys were too late]
[Cut to her funeral; her body is in a casket]
FMFr. Maxi
As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!
[answers his phone while playing computer games on his computer] Hey, Stan.
Dude… my head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.
Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.
Yeah, I know it's Tolkien.
No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote The Hobbit and stuff!
Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?
[horrified] You knew it was Tolkien like the writer.
Everyone knew it was Tolkien.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-O-K-E-N.
Yeah, dude, 'cause Cartman's a fucking moron.
Wha-- hold on a second! [calls Cartman's number]
Cartman
[answers his phone while eating chips and watching TV] What's up, dawg?
Dude, Cartman, did you know that Tolkien is named after J.R.R. Tolkien?
Cartman
Well, yeah, I just figured.
Then why did you spell it "Token" without the "L" or the "I"?!
Cartman
J.R.R. Tolkien has an "L" in it? That's gay. Who did you think Tolkien was named after?
[from outside the bathroom] Stan? You out here?
Uh, yeah, hang on a second Tolk-kien, just taking a shit.
Cartman
Ahg! Help! Somebody call Child Protective Services!
Eric, you're only making it worse!
Cartman
I am not doing a co-brokering deal, Mom, it's not gonna happen!
This isn't about that, Eric, and you know it! You're upset. You're upset because you don't want your mom to have a job!
Cartman
That isn't true.
It is true! You're scared and you're jealous that a job will take my attention away from you!
Cartman
You just want to offer the sellers a lower commission to list this house and it's not going to work, Mom!
It's okay to be scared, Eric! I know that I'm the only family you have, but you're making everything worse for us!
[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are watching Kyle and Tolkien's TikTok video on Stan's phone, all perplexed]
Cartman
What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this? You guys notice that Kyle and Tolkien are doing everything together, lately?
Yeah, they're quite the little team, aren't they?
Cartman
Hey, Stan. Guess what? I have some good news for you.
Cartman
A little magic fairy told me that you and Kyle are gonna get back together soon.
I don't care that Kyle is making TikToks with Tolkien.
Cartman
Yes, you do. But don't worry, Stan. It's almost Valentine's Day. And the little angel on my shoulder says that Kyle is gonna come running back to you any minute!
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!
How'd I frack up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!
The guy has guns for hands!
[Later, in the principal's office…]
[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
Cartman
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!
Cartman
[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.
[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!
Cartman
Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
