EricDude, what the fuck, Stan?!
I don't know, all right?!
You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?
It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
Eric
Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
I had no idea what was going on!
[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]
Eric
Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!
No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.
Cartman
That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!
Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh, Eric?
Cartman
She's not a girlfriend. She's a controlling, manipulative whore!
That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!
Cartman
That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!
SBSteven Black
Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?
Cartman
Yeah...
SBSteven Black
I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.
Cartman
What?
SBSteven Black
I saw them at the park today, holding hands.
Cartman
Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Tolkien's mansion] Kyle...
SBSteven Black
Yeah, Kyle.
[Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and Heidi are waiting at the bus stop]
[frustrated] This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the Science Fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!
It's…not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.
Yes, it is! Am I being paid to judge the Science Fair?! No! Do I have a choice?! No! Ooh, yes, massa! Let me judge that Science Fair for you, sir!
Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.
My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.
That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.
There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.
Right. That's called a trailer park.
[embarrassed] I don't live in a trailer park!
Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.
I'll try, but she's such a bitch.
IIsla
She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.
Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.
Cartman
[walks up to Heidi] Hey, Heidi, what's up?
[uninterested] Oh, hey, babe, what's going on?
Cartman
What are you up to?
Nothing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Cartman
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
Cartman
Yeah, Butters. God.
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Cartman
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.
CHCartman & Heidi
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
[pacing around Cartman, upset] What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!
Cartman
Yeah… uh… Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?
[stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!
[The students are all assembled in the gymnasium as Heidi gives out an announcement, with Cartman standing next to her]
[standing on the podium] Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so-called school. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor demand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special-needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.
Theresa, get over it. You live in a trailer park. It's not a big deal.
Cartman
Uh, okay, honey. You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.
Cartman
I just… I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.
"GET THIS OVER WITH?!" You're supposed to be supporting me!
Cartman
I am supporting you, sweetheart!
Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!
[to PC Principal] She's kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.
[The NFL Owners, Special Ed Kids, PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, and Cartman all chase after Heidi and corner her in the school foyer while she's carrying the water bears]
JJerry
Little girl, stop! It doesn't have to end this way.
Cartman
[coming through] Move aside! Move aside! [panting to catch his breath] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!
[also panting to catch her breath] I don't… have to listen… to anybody!
Cartman
Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!
Cartman
No, fuck you!
JJerry
Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.
Well, I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!
JJerry
Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!
Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.
Cartman
Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.
JJerry
Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.
Cartman
Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back.
[looks up at the balcony, noticing Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her, looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! [chugs down the whole fish bowl, killing the water bears]
NONFL Owners & Special Ed Kids
[shocked with horror] NO!!!!
[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
Tweek's having a panic attack.
It was real! He tried to get me!
It's just your imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"
"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Cartman
Just like that movie IT.
Cartman
Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.
I saw Stranger Things and IT.
Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!
[takes the gun out of Robert's hand and aims it at Cartman; enraged] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! You controlled me, and manipulated me, and turned me into this!
Cartman
[with his hands up] Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?
I used to be kind! I used to be caring! But then you... you... [realizes] No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.
Cartman
Honey, don't be ridiculous.
I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Cartman
Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.
Cartman
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [takes the gun out of her hands and points it to his head, threatening to kill himself] Step back! I'll do it, I swear to God!
It's not gonna work this time, Eric.
Cartman
You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die."
I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.
[South Park Elementary; Ms. Nelson is handing her students back their graded math exams]
I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not.
Cartman
[disappointed as he received an F] Aw, man!
The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one?
[Sounds of gunshots and children screaming are heard from outside in the hallway]
[raises his hand] Add together the 3 and the 3!
Good, Butters. We add the 3's together. And what about the 4's? Token?
They're the denominators, so they stay a 4.
[South Park Elementary; Stan had told his friends about living on a farm after selling their house]
So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?
Cartman
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
What are you talking about?
Cartman
You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to City Hall and burst into the Mayor's office]
Mayor, we demand you cancel the bike parade!
Cartman
It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!
[the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos]
[puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?
South Park · 1,569 quotes
