Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just means you're in charge.
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
You're sick of hearing it?
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
CartmanOh my God, this is so awesome.
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
[They both angrily go their separate ways]
Cartman
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
Cartman
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.
Cartman
I want a bank account.
I didn't know kids could get jobs.
Cartman
This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it.
Tom, I'm standing out front of a Colorado icon, the old Coney Island Hot Dog, where the owners plan to reopen soon. The hot dog stand is going through major renovations and the new name has just been announced, DikinBaus Hot Dogs is sure to be a big hit here in town.
[McCormick residence; Cartman and Kenny are watching the news and burst out laughing at the new restaurant name]
Cartman
[laughing] He said it! We got him to say dick and balls!
[holding a plate with a hot dog] The owners say they're planning on all kinds of rides and games. And also, with each hot dog served here at DikinBaus Hot Dogs, they actually use the ketchup to put a nice little smiley face on the plate. It's just their sort of trademark touch. The renovations are supposed to be finished soon and the new owners are inviting everyone to come on down, enjoy, and let DikinBaus put a smile on your buns.
Are you guys just playing around?
Cartman
No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.
Then why did you name it DikinBaus?
Cartman
Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.
Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back.
Cartman
[mocking Butters] "So stop dicking around and wasting my money." Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.
[As Liane and her son move back to their old house…]
There you go, Eric. It's your old room just like you always wanted.
Cartman
[sobbing in protest] But I hate this stupid house! I don't want to be here! I want to be in DIKINBAUS!!! DikinBaus is awesome! This place sucks! PLEASE!! [Liane leaves as he tearfully hyperventilates] I want--I WANT--DIKIN...BAAAUUUUSS!!!! I want my DikinBaus! DIKINBAUS! DIKINBAAAUUUS!!!!!
[to Stan as they walk down the school hallway] He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that all women are whores, and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
Look guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups he's spewing his stupid shit about.
Cartman
[walking up to them] Hey, guys, who are you talking about?
Cartman
Clyde?
Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
[off-screen] Hey, here he comes!
[All the students boo angrily and throw paper balls at Clyde as he walks through the hallway]
[passing by] Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!
Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]
We're not indulging your stupid podcast!
Cartman
I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.
Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?
Cartman
[takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]
What are you guys talking about?
Cartman
Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.
Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.
Cartman
Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
Cartman
Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
No, the one about my mom!
Cartman
Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!
Cartman
'Cause she's a Jew?
[to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.
SCStan & Cartman
[put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.
[blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!
[Stan and Cartman take out their phones again]
Take that bet down right now, fatass!
Cartman
I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.
This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]
Cartman
Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.
Cartman
[sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny in the cafeteria around lunchtime] You guys! You guys! [pulls out his phone] Have you checked the betting app lately?
Cartman
Ever since Kyle got all pissed off, the odds are going up on his mom attacking Gaza.
Cartman
Yeah, check it out! Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it, we gotta get in on this, guys!
Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.
Cartman
Yes, exactly! [lowers his voice] We know that. And we can also influence Kyle to get the odds raised even more. It's called a conflict of interest, you guys, it's a way to make free money.
Cartman
Yes! All we have to do is make sure Kyle stays angry, and at the same time, go talk antisemitic shit about his mom to goose the odds up even more.
[walks up to the table and sits down next to Stan] What are you guys talking about?
Cartman
[puts his phone away] Nothin'. Just talking about how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.
You think it's messed up?
Cartman
Yes, I do, Kyle. Why would an app allow a bet like that to exist? It's obvious rage bait.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!
Dude, you might just wanna let it go.
Cartman
See? "Just let it go." That's how people want you to deal with a crisis that they don't even understand.
[pointing at Stan; angrily] Yes! [then pointing at Cartman] Thank you.
Cartman
You can't give up, Kyle. It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom. And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will? [walks down the school hallway] Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom? [all the students look at him] Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you. Well I don't know, I would just hate to be a Palestinian hospital, that's all I can say. Well, anyways, good to talk to you guys. [walks away] Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about my friend Kyle's mom?
MMeagan
[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?
They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!
How can the app company do that?
I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!
MMeagan
Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!
[The students all put away their phones; Kyle and Cartman are then seen sitting on the steps]
Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
Cartman
Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.
Cartman
What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?
Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.
Cartman
It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?
No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
