Dan quotes from Family Guy

Hey, guys. My first name is Dan, which is what you'll all call me. Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille?

Quagmire

Dad... Are you gay?

What?

Quagmire

Are you gay, Dad?!

No, Glenn. Of course not.

Quagmire

Just tell me the truth!

I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.

Quagmire

Oh, come on. That's not helping.

Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.

Quagmire

You promise?

I promise.

Quagmire

All right. I believe you.

But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.

Quagmire

[stunned] Oh, come on. Just be gay.

Hey, who the hell are you?

Uh... Hello.

What are you doing in my house?

Stewie

We're Santa Claus... es.

Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!

No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!

Stewie

He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.