Family Guy Season 5 quotes

Peter

Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.

[mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"

Peter

Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.

"What you did the other day was wrong!"

Peter

You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.

"You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."

Peter

Shut up, Kyle.

"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."

Peter

Kyle, I said shut up.

You're a poop-nose.

What are you doin' here?

Peter

I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.

Chris

Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him.

Yeah, I have MS.

Peter

Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad.

We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos.

Edited for rednecks.

I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-

Hundreds and hundreds of years old.

Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-

Gooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddd.

-ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-

Jesus-

-annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-

Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

West

"You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." [one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading] "You should make the time," said the farmer.

How do you think it works?

Stewie

I have no idea.

Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie

All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.

What's that big back part?

Stewie

Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

[sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie

Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...

We now return to America's Next Top Model.

I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, [furiously screaming at the top of her lungs] HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW!

Stewie

Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.

Lois

We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.

Hey! Take those sneakers off!

No!

Take 'em off, I said!

No! [runs off]

Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.

Peter

Horsey! You saved my life!

[in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.

Peter

Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!

That's right!

Peter

Awesome!

Peter

Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?

You know, I've completely forgotten.

Peter

Me too.

Something about a coupon...

Peter

I cannot, for the life of me, remember...

Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.

Peter

No, no, no. I'm alright.

But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?

Peter

Well, that sounds lovely.

Principal Shepherd

Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?

Lois

A lot.

Lois

...because that's what Jesus wants.

Lois

9/11 was bad.

Lois

[to herself] God, I can't believe how easy this is.

Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment?

Lois

9/11.

Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?

Lois

Nine...

[confused] Hmm?

Lois

Eleven.

Lois

Hey, you guys.

Chris

Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.

Lois

What?

Chris

What?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping!

I was just going to buy some groceries.

Bullshit!