TV show quotes
Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?
Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.
I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.
That sounds disgusting.
[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]
I think we should go live with Mom...
I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.
[after Mr. Washee Washee bans the entire Griffin family from his store at dinner when Peter again accuses him for stealing his shirt]
Great, Peter! Nice going! This dinner was a disaster!
Eh, Clash of the Titans owl was worse.
[cutaway to Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie sitting at the Griffins' dinner table, with Bubo the mechanical owl at the head of the table]
So you're from Greece. Oh, I've always wanted to go there! What's it like?
[Bubo makes incomprehensible mechanical whistling noises]
Yeah, I can't… I can't understand a word he's saying.
Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're goin' to invite the owl, you got to invite Harry Hamlin.
[teeth clenched, sternly] I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house!
[after the fight and breakup]
Hey, you okay?
Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
[admittedly] Yeah, maybe.
Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.
You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead, I got a broster.
[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]
Hey, Peter, you wanna see my vegenis?
Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.
Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.
What?
Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]
Ready to go when you are, sir.
Poor guys. They both have AIDS.
[cut to Robert Loggia in a black background]
NOT OKAY!
[singing] Good morning, USA! I’ve got a feeling that it’s gonna be a wonderful day! The sun and and the sky has a smile on it’s face! And she’s shining the solute to the American race! Oh boy, it’s swell to say “Good Morning, USA!
Good Morning, USA!
Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sight-seeing first?
A long time ago, after M*A*S*H but before AfterMASH…
Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in order to-— okay, you know what, we don’t care. We were thinking of not even doing this one. FOX made us do it. When we did "Blue Harvest", they said, "Oh, you guys are crazy." They tried to talk us out of it, and it ended up making a ton of money. By then we were just finishing "Empire", and we were absolutely exhausted. But Fox suddenly had dollar signs in their eyes, and they said, "Seth, if you don't do 'Jedi', we're not gonna let you leave to go direct your movie."
I'm sorry. I took a muscle relaxer earlier and it's kicking in. I'm just so stressed because there's been a car parked in front of my house for three straight days and there's a pillow in the back seat. And I've never seen anyone get in or out of it, but it moves a couple feet one way or the other each day. Wouldn't it be funny if it was a bunch of raccoons living in there, moving it? You know, with their little paws on the steering wheel? And then another one working the brake and the gas? And the steering wheel raccoon and the pedal raccoon have to talk back and forth to each other 'cause the brake pedal guy can't see the road? I'm gonna keep thinking that, 'cause I know really it's probably a car bum.
Look, just do me a huge favor and lower your expectations, okay? Just this one time. I promise I'll make it up to you. I mean, "Star Wars", fine. "Empire" —- still not bad. But on this one we ran out of gas. Seriously, we let the assistant write it. Hell, even the FedEx guy got a joke in, and he calls the baby "Steve." Anyway, here's "Return of the Jedi" starring Steve as Darth Vader.
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
What about the prequels?
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
What's that now?
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Yeah, me neither.
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
Lois, I need 28 thousand dollars.
For what?
I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant.
What do you know about sushi?
I don't care about the sushi. I just wanna yell at customers when they walk in the door.
[cut to that]
IRASSHAIMASE! HAJIMEMASHITE! HERECOMESABLACKGUY!
I just bought a giant room full of gold coins; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.
[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]
[groans] It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
