[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Brian: Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know. [squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]
Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
[They get off the couch and face each other]
Stewie: Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [on the verge of tears] Screw you! Cut it out, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [starts crying and Brian hugs him] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!
[They let go]
Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears)
You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Well, you'd be a black man.
[shocked] Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!?
Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking!
You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. [leaves]
Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?
They do, it's called being gay.
Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.
[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]
Lois, can you come out here for a second?
[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]
Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?
Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.
Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.
Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.
Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!
Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!
[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...
Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
MMorris
WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
I will never be attracted to you.
MMorris
I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
You're acting like a psycho bitch.
MMorris
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
MMorris
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]
[sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.
[Morris reappears]
MMorris
Mmm, I like your ass.
How are we gonna get out of here?
You still got the starting gun?
Give it to me. [Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the driver-side door window] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!
[The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]
Did we just carjack someone?
We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
[Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]
Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?
Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!
These are mine, you hear me? MINE!
Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.
I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
[cutaway]
ASAsian Santa
What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...
ASAsian Santa
Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?
ASAsian Santa
What color?
AKAsian Kid
[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!
[realizing] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again!
[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]
[Entering the living room] Peter, what are you doing?
[furiously] What the fuck!?
Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, [hands Peter a paper] this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
[hesitantly] Alright, Brian...
[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]
Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- [sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.] Oh my God!
GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!
Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
KKyle
[mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"
Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.
KKyle
"What you did the other day was wrong!"
You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.
KKyle
"You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
KKyle
"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
KKyle
You're a poop-nose.
[Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]
FFulcher
What are you doin' here?
I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him.
FFulcher
Yeah, I have MS.
Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad.
TATV Announcer #1
We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
TATV Announcer #2
Edited for rednecks.
SSagan
I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
RARedneck Announcer
Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
SSagan
Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
RARedneck Announcer
Gooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddd.
SSagan
-ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
RARedneck Announcer
Jesus-
SSagan
-annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
RARedneck Announcer
Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
How do you think it works?
Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
What's that big back part?
Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
I wonder what this thing is for.
Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
[sighs] All right, here goes.
Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...
[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]
AAnnouncer
We now return to America's Next Top Model.
[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]
MModel
I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
BBanks
You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, [furiously screaming at the top of her lungs] HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW!
[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]
Chris Where are we going?
Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.
We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.
Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.
[cutaway]
SOSneakers O'Toole
I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.
M1Man #1
Hey! Take those sneakers off!
M1Man #1
Take 'em off, I said!
M2Man #2
Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.
SSneakers
I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.
